A shirt, a grim reaper and a whole lot of jo-joing…

Sooo… three weeks down the line with my “new improved me” plan and I feel good. Had a bit of a calorie hick-up yesterday (damn you Banoffie pie!) with sharing a divine dessert with a friend but apart from that I have managed to eat healthily and work out 6 times a week.

I tried on a shirt this morning. A shirt that has been too tight for at least 3 years… and it fit almost perfectly, just a tiny bit tight still. So that made my morning!

At the same time I am under no illusions that most likely the most I have lost at the moment is water and I am also very much aware that I need to have a slow but steady weight loss otherwise this will just not work.

I also checked my blood pressure again. It still is higher than what is good (surprise, surprise no changes after just 3 weeks) but it is at least not sky rocketed like it was at the doctor. I bought a blood pressure machine at the pharmacy so that I can check every once in a while. In regards to the doctor… well I will definitely continue to seeing the one that I actually can talk to. She is supportive of what I try to do and is helping and then we keep an eye on things and see how it progresses.

The other doctor (who unfortunately owns the doctors practice) I have now renamed as “Dr Grim Reaper”. The way that woman delivers news you will start to get the measurements for the coffin ready. I also think she gets commission on how many pills she prescribes. She is also not impressed with any of my plans to lose weight, change my eating habits etc.. oh no, medication is the only way. I mean OK, if my BP would be really really dangerously high then I would understand. If my blood sugar levels would be diabetic then ok fair enough… BUT this is not the case. I am not delusional… if my levels were really bad then I would not try to hide from that fact. My levels are not good and if I do not start to do something about it now then yes, it will become bad. This is something that the other doctor also told me. Hmm I wonder if those two ever talk.

Though I have to say, I am also worried. I worry that I will do all this and lose weight and feel great about it but still not lower my BP. I worry I will continue having high BP and that my blood sugar will go up and that I will have done all this and nothing changed. Yes, I know this is paranoid and yes it has literally only been 3 weeks but still… I do worry about these things.

Ugh!

So today I have jo-joed between: feeling great as the shirt fit again, feeling worried when checking BP and thinking “will it ever change?”, feeling happy about seeing progress in my tracker of what I have done so far, feeling paranoid about everything, feeling annoyed with myself that I worry, feeling great after having spend the afternoon cooking delicious healthy dinners for the week.

Yeah.

Weird day.

I am getting a lot of encouragement from friends and that really helps. I am really happy I started doing this. Now please, please let this work (and again.. YES I know it has only been 3 weeks.) Sigh.

 

Did the octopus win?

I am still alive after more than 2 weeks of working out 6 times a week. The work-out has been tiring but going a lot better than I expected.

Hitting the gym before work 3 times a week has opened my eyes to a new fact… I am much more energised and in a better mood than when I do not work out in the morning. I am tired yes, getting up at 6am is really not something I enjoy. I do however feel better. Combined with going to the club twice a week and then throw in a walk on Sundays as well; it is pretty full on. I am tired in the evenings so no party hours for me. Not that it is a big difference from before…

The healthy eating, especially in the evenings, has not been as easy. It has been hard to stay disciplined and not stray into munching on just something when I am bored. The chocolate cravings have been pretty severe as well. I have managed most days in fairness but have had a few weak moments. I am also learning more and more that some things that I thought were ok to eat a lot off are maybe not quite as healthy calorie-wise. I do not try to count calories per se but since I want to lose weight I do need to be aware of it a bit after all.

Went training at the club today again. It is freezing cold here at the moment and I really should have warmed-up better because once again I have managed to pull my neck/shoulder. SIGH. I knew that my neck and shoulder was starting to play up a bit again (the curse of working in front of a laptop all day long) but did I get it sorted before it was too late?? Of course not. Luckily one of the lads at the club took a look at my neck today. Bit of physio, a few acupuncture needles and some cupping later… it is a bit better. Will have a follow-up treatment soon as well so that will hopefully ensure a quicker recovery.

In regards to the cupping, I am now sporting several round shaped marks on my back. I look like I had a battle with a giant octopus! Now that will get a few weird looks in the gym next week. I laughed out loud when I looked in the mirror. It looks insane! This is the first time that I have had this done on me but I have heard about it before and heard that it is very beneficial. http://cuppingtherapy.org/pages/discolorations.htm It does look a bit mental though but then, as long as it does the trick all is good.

So here I am sitting on the sofa now with a warm neck&shoulder pillow, looking out at the falling snow, sporting some fetching marks and feeling pretty positive about this new health regime. Even with a stiff neck.

Now bring on next week.

My journey to Never Never Land… or something like that

When the third cold (after 2 colds and the flu) hit me within a period of 2.5 months, I had enough. I dragged my sorry arse to the doctor for a check-up demanding blood tests and a miracle (eh well, I never said I was all that logical…).

Hmmm blood tests booked and the miracle.. well, that will be up to me. The doctor also took my blood pressure and after a month on cold and flu medication and not enough sleep it was no surprise it was pretty darn high. That said… there is was. Even with the contributing factors I still have a blood pressure that is too high for my age. When the doctor started talking about starting to take medication I backpedalled quicker than any politician put on the spot. I left the doctor with a pretty sinking feeling.

Sat at home reading up on the various medications and the potential side-effects and I freaked. Then I came to a conclusion…. this will not go away magically. No matter how much I backpedal. Now the decision is up to me… I can either continue being a lazy bum that occasionally gets going and hits the gym/club and throws in some healthy food semi-regularly and then resign myself to eating chemicals medication OR I can at least try to make a difference and change my lifestyle and by that also my health.

So here I am. I am lucky enough that I have friends that are very good at what they do in their field of work/interest be it holistic Eastern health, physical training or nutrition. I am even luckier that they will help me out with a good plan and support.

This is week one. I have a plan for exercising. A plan for a better eating habits. And before anyone asks, no I will not just be living of salad leafs and carrots all day. I am also a realist and know that sometimes you need to allow yourself something in moderation. The 80/20 rule or 90/10 rule or whatever you want to call it. Luckily I really do like all kinds of food including lots of nice healthy stuff… I have just been too lazy to actually cook and prepare it.

The blood tests are done and once the results are back then the next step is to try to tackle this in a natural way. I spoke to my doctor who is supportive of this and we will keep an eye on my progress.

Let’s face it. I am stubborn. Unless this will miserably fail, I will not start taking any effing meds! IF however with weigh-loss, better habits and better health I still end up having an issue… then OK… then I will face other solutions.

I guess I am writing this post now so that it is out there. So that I cannot try to lie to myself and say I did not commit to do this. I know there will be times when I really do not want to go to the gym, take that walk, go to the club. When I really just want to vegetate on the sofa with too much crap food. The hardest things will be when I am bored. When I am bored, I munch.

So there it is. No more excuses. No more “oh has 2 months already passed since my new-improved-me-scheme without me actually starting it…”.

This will not be easy BUT I am actually feeling really positive about this. Maybe because this is it. I have no more excuses and this will mean that I finally will do what I always wanted to do but just never did. Maybe one of these days what I see in the mirror will actually match the person I see myself as. Then not having to take the medication will just be a side-effect to being healthy and feeling great.

On that note. I’m off to the club.

2013 and we are still here. Now what?

It’s the second week in January and lo and behold… the world did not end. Quelle surprise.

Instead it is the usual January blues with credit cards bills piling up, bleary eyed office workers turning up to work, off-licenses noticing a down-turn as the “white month” is in full swing and gyms bursting with sweaty new year’s resolutions.

It is a new year. Full with potential if you decide to grab hold and do more than just wish. For some it is a change of life-style, change of focus, change of perspective. For some it is yet another year of half-hearted resolutions given after too many glasses of champagne. Resolutions broken just as quickly as the bubbles dispersed.

I spent the last two weeks thinking about what I want for this year. What I would like this year to mean for me. I guess I got sick of always having more or less the same resolutions that always end up lasting until February (in a good year). Of course the whole “get fitter, work-out more often and regularly” is still very important but that is not a new year’s resolution. It is a life resolution and a very tough nut to crack. So yes, I will once again try.

Apart from that one then? What will be different from before? So I could focus on ensuring I reach my targets in work, lose weight, work-out (see above), eat healthily, try to make a positive difference in the world even if it is just a small one … but those are things I TRY to do all the time (not always successfully).

I think this year I will just go with a general wish of doing what makes me happy and to set goals as I go along. The road to achieving and reaching those goals is what matters.

Thinking about it… I have some amazing people in my life. People who inspire me. People who I care about deeply and unconditionally. People who care about me. With friends and family like that, what else can I wish for apart from spending time with those who matter to me?

The rest will follow naturally really – I will do my utmost to reach my targets in work so that I get the extra cash to see all. The work-out will follow as I need to improve fitness in order to be able to do the things I like with my friends and stay healthy. The weight-loss will slowly follow with the fitness and the healthy food follows the fitness (as I cannot eat crap when I have been working out, it just feels wrong). And if an action from me can put a smile on someone’s face and if an action somehow helps the betterment of this world then I have made a difference. I can wish for nothing more.

So there is my wish for 2013 and beyond. Happy New Year.

That thing we do not speak off

You know when you read a book or watch a film and they mention “that thing we do not speak off”? It is a different thing each time; be it an illness, a way of being, a history, a past occurrence etc. There is always something and as you sit there and read or watch the film you might tut to yourself and think it is so silly and say “Tsssss… why don’t they just get it out on the open?!”

Well, yes most times it is silly. At least to you. But for the persons involved it is deadly serious. Most times it is about fear. Fear of what other might think or say. Fear of admitting it is real. Fear of having to deal with it.

The irony of this post, I have such a thing in my life. “The thing we never really speak of or acknowledge” and guess what… I cannot speak of it. At least not yet. Maybe later on. Because this thing… it is slowly unraveling. It has reached a point where it can no longer be ignored and years of forced ignorance are falling away. What is my fear you might wonder? Fear of dealing with it and the heartbreak that inevitable will follow. Though the heartbreak has been there for as long as I remember – ironically enough. Just conveniently stashed away in the back of everyone’s minds, ignored. It always reared its ugly head every once in a while but then it was quickly ignored again.

Life is not black and white. It would in some ways be much easier if it was. This particular matter… it is as grey as they come. I wish it wasn’t. But wishing won’t change a thing.

All I can do for the moment, is to try to find a balance. Between what I can do, whether it is in regards to support or actions, and what I cannot do. Sometimes you cannot do anything to make it better. Sometimes all you can do is accept it.

Maybe someday I can and will tell you about “that thing we do not speak off”. Cos how is it the saying goes… “The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself“?

Moving through layers

I finally made it down to the club this evening for a training session. It felt really good. As always, when I have been to the club, I am glad I went. I went there feeling determined and up for whatever would be there. I enjoyed every minute and the two hours flew by.

When I was driving home I noticed something – every time after a training session a different emotion will accompany me home.

 

Sometimes I leave feeling like I could take on the world. Nothing can faze or rattle me.

Sometimes I leave with a big smile and sing along happily to every tune on the radio.

Sometimes I leave feeling determined, with clear steps outlined in my mind, ready to conquer any obstacle.

Sometimes I leave feeling frustrated and try to run through why I didn’t get a technique or flow.

Sometimes I leave feeling thoughtful, thinking through an idea or a concept. Mulling it over, maybe creating a blog post in my mind.

Sometimes I leave feeling calm and centered. At peace.

Today I left feeling vulnerable. Not sad or upset, just a little closer to being emotional but without knowing why. Maybe I am more tired than I realized and the training took away the last layers for the day.

 

We all have layers. Some thicker than others. Peeling them back is never easy. Maybe this is one of the things this art can teach me; if I peel away the layers and look… what is there is me without all those barriers, if only for a moment.

Seeing that -  I can take on the world, I smile, I can be determined, I work through frustration, I mull things over, I can be at peace, I can feel vulnerable…

Sometimes moving through layers can make things look much simpler. Sometimes all it takes is being there.

 

Oh 2011, where to start…

When I sat down last year to write the 2010-gone-by post it was about having started to blog, got a tattoo, laser eye surgery, Christmas parties and driving too fast.

This time… where to start. This has been a year of so many changes. Of heart-break. Of self-discovery. Of meeting amazing people who I will forever be grateful for. It has been an emotional roller-coaster.

As most of you know, this was the year that heralded the end of a 11 year-long relationship for me. I will not dwell on it in this post. It has been chewed through enough. I could spend the entire post on just going over how this year has been pretty tough. But you know what… it has been what it has been and I want to remember the things that made me smile, made me laugh and made me feel good.

I have an apartment that I love. A place that always makes me feel at ease (even with window vents from hell…). It is light, airy, has a south-facing balcony that is just fab. It is a place that went from feeling like a temporary hotel room, a refuge to become the place where I can relax and recharge. My home.

I share this apartment with my two furballs. They bring laughter, cuddles and joy together with unconditional love on a daily basis.

There is much more I could list here. However, the best thing this year has been my friends. From the ones that I have known for years, the ones I have met online through blogging and the new great friends that I have met. These are the people who have made me laugh, smile and feel happy throughout everything this year. And that is what I will keep with me from 2011.

So bring on 2012. It will be a great one!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

 

It all starts with one

It all starts with one.

One thought. One look. With one moment.

When looking back at my life and the decisions I have made throughout I can most times pin point it to one single event at the time. I most likely did not realize it there and then. Well, most times anyway. Sometimes it was a small seed that sprouted a thought that led to it. These were the times when I let my “gut-feeling” make the decision. That illusive intuition that we never can put our finger on.

It is a bit ironic as I can be very skeptical and I like to have facts and I want to know the how, why and when before I make a decision. Once I have made up my mind, I do not change it easily unless you can convince me with a good argument (yes I can be pig-headed). I can admit I am wrong… you just have to be convincing. Either way, the irony in this (before I lose my train of thought) is that when it comes to all the bigger changes in my life – I went on my gut-instinct. There was no hard facts and detailed plans or long decision processes. I just took a decision based one thought that grew and that somehow felt right.

The funny thing is, I have not regretted those decisions. Some where easy to take, some where not but I know that they were the right ones.

Sometimes I tend to think too much. Over-analyze things. I am trying to learn to be more open to just following my intuition. It is not easy though as we have all more or less been taught all our lives that logic prevails and that you should use hard facts and consider carefully before you go ahead.

I am getting better at it though. I believe that my Bujinkan training as something to do with it. Lately I have noticed that the more I try to think about doing a technique correctly the harder it is for me to do the Kata. If I try to just relax and go with the flow it just seems to work better. There is an element of focus as well obviously but maybe the shift is from a focus of doing a technique to a focus on your opponent and then the technique comes more easily. I have not figures this out entirely yet. It is a pretty hard shift for me to pin point to be honest.

Some days  I just feel that I can follow a technique naturally and then when I try to add an element to it and improve it then I focus too much on the separate elements of it and I loose any flow that I once had. It can be very frustrating. Then there are those days when I am just knackered from work and feel exhausted and my conscious mind is barely functioning but somehow the techniques flow better.

I guess that is one of the aspects of this art that I really enjoy. It triggers new ideas and new thought processes. It has made me more open to new ideas. It has made me realize that I really know very little about how I function and what I can do but at the same time I know much more than I ever did before. I know now that there is so much more to figure out and that is exciting. I have just about started to touch upon the basics of this art and I look forward to see where the flow takes me.

Oh… and when I decided to start with practicing Bujinkan? It was a split-decision based on nothing but a good feeling. I knew nothing of this art. I had never done any martial arts even though I knew of other types of arts. I just saw the ad and for some reason decided to have a look. Looking back, I actually think I decided to start even before I entered that first class to have a look. I have never regretted it.

When I am all grown up…

You know those question you got as a kid and then as a teenager? The “what do you want to be when you grow up”?… yeah those. I could never give a distinctive answer. The truth is, I still can’t. This has bugged me for a long time. At some stage I was getting worried there was something wrong with me. How come I could never answer that? I felt I just muddled along while the years passed and I was not even a tiny bit closer to answering the question. I envied those who knew what they wanted.

Most of the time I have felt that I’ve played pretend. Just going with the motions. Get a job, get a house, be a responsible adult, bla bla bla. Was this what I wanted… well I cannot say that I did not want it at all. At the time it made sense. However I did not feel fully satisfied. Once again, not knowing what I really wanted.

I read this back and a part of me is now saying “For God’s sake, get over yourself! Deal with it, it is life. Stop moaning.”… and I am sure many others who read this would echo those words.

Another part of me realizes that maybe I will not know. Maybe I will search for a long time. Trying different things to see if they fit. One thing is certain though, if I do not at least try then I will never know and always wonder.

I will try to no longer worry too much about “what I will become when I grow up”. If I continue doing so then I will one day wake up and find that too many years have passed and all I have done is worried and not lived. That is far scarier.

Don’t worry, I will not all the sudden pack my bags and join a traveling commune.

I still have responsibilities, if I like it or not, and I will take care of those as always. I have never backed away from things that have to be sorted. I do not burn bridges and I might rage at the frustration it causes but I handle it. I suppose that childish part of me that rages, is the part we all have and that we all need to acknowledge, that is also the part that cannot be allowed to take over the controls. That is the part that we need to temper as adults. What I am trying is to find the balance between that raging, irresponsible child and the adult that sometimes takes things too seriously.

Maybe it is all down to just being happy in your life. … and who knows, maybe I can tell you one day what I want to be when I’m all grown up. Or maybe I just won’t grow up fully. After all, where is the fun in that?

Restless

Restless, I feel restless. In my mind I wander aimlessly. There is no direction, no map.

I ask questions, receive no answers. I seek but cannot find. I do not know what I am looking for.

Emotions surge within. Looking for an outlet to soothe my mind. Trying to find relief.

Where will I go? What will I find? As I wander restlessly…