A string of words

One of the best advice I ever got was to write down my thoughts when things felt overwhelming. Initially I could not see the benefit of this. Why would I do this? How could it help me? How would that give me any answers? These were questions I asked myself.

At the time I knew I could no longer express how I felt to others. Not because others did not care but I started to feel like I was a burden. How many times could I repeat the same lament? How many times could people bear to listen?

It is strange when all you want is to feel happy but you just don’t. When you know you need to “snap out of it” but you can’t. I knew I was stuck and I felt like a broken record stuck on repeat. So I stopped saying how I felt. I stopped trying to talk about it. I could not pretend to say things were OK because I just did not have the energy to even do that. I stopped.

With no answers I started to write. Longer pieces, shorter pieces, letters addressed to no-one. Sometimes I pretended I was talking to a friend. Sometimes I just wrote down a mass of words jumbled together. I did not receive any answers but somehow it lessened the tightness in my chest. Piece by piece what I wrote down lighted the burden. Maybe it was because I could be brutally honest. Not having to take into consideration how others might feel. Not having to think about not wanting to worry anyone. I just wrote.

How I felt then and how I feel today is vastly different. Today I look at life and smile. I have a curious positive outlook forward. There will always be down days of course but in general I feel pretty damn good.

I am not trying to say that writing down how I felt back then made me all happy now. There are so many things that made that happening but I am not writing about those changes today. What I am trying to say is that writing down my inner most feelings and thoughts when I was at my lowest helped me getting through it.

Recently, for the first time in a long time, I actually dared to look at those entries that I wrote back then. It was both a scary and emotional experience. I had forgotten how low I felt. I am glad that I once again can put them back in the box. Not forgotten but eased out of mind with a few lessons learned.

Sometimes a simple advice can make all the difference. An advice I will be eternally grateful for.

2013 and we are still here. Now what?

It’s the second week in January and lo and behold… the world did not end. Quelle surprise.

Instead it is the usual January blues with credit cards bills piling up, bleary eyed office workers turning up to work, off-licenses noticing a down-turn as the “white month” is in full swing and gyms bursting with sweaty new year’s resolutions.

It is a new year. Full with potential if you decide to grab hold and do more than just wish. For some it is a change of life-style, change of focus, change of perspective. For some it is yet another year of half-hearted resolutions given after too many glasses of champagne. Resolutions broken just as quickly as the bubbles dispersed.

I spent the last two weeks thinking about what I want for this year. What I would like this year to mean for me. I guess I got sick of always having more or less the same resolutions that always end up lasting until February (in a good year). Of course the whole “get fitter, work-out more often and regularly” is still very important but that is not a new year’s resolution. It is a life resolution and a very tough nut to crack. So yes, I will once again try.

Apart from that one then? What will be different from before? So I could focus on ensuring I reach my targets in work, lose weight, work-out (see above), eat healthily, try to make a positive difference in the world even if it is just a small one … but those are things I TRY to do all the time (not always successfully).

I think this year I will just go with a general wish of doing what makes me happy and to set goals as I go along. The road to achieving and reaching those goals is what matters.

Thinking about it… I have some amazing people in my life. People who inspire me. People who I care about deeply and unconditionally. People who care about me. With friends and family like that, what else can I wish for apart from spending time with those who matter to me?

The rest will follow naturally really – I will do my utmost to reach my targets in work so that I get the extra cash to see all. The work-out will follow as I need to improve fitness in order to be able to do the things I like with my friends and stay healthy. The weight-loss will slowly follow with the fitness and the healthy food follows the fitness (as I cannot eat crap when I have been working out, it just feels wrong). And if an action from me can put a smile on someone’s face and if an action somehow helps the betterment of this world then I have made a difference. I can wish for nothing more.

So there is my wish for 2013 and beyond. Happy New Year.

Alive and kicking with PJ’s and Zen

Do you ever get that almost euphoric feeling when your chest expands and life feels so full of potential that you do not know where to turn or where to start?

When there is so much you could do but yet you have no idea whatsoever what it is that you want to do?

I think that feeling, that expanding emotion – that is what life is. That is what it mean to feel alive. To feel THAT is what makes getting up worth it.

This is the feeling that some might feel when jumping out of a plane or seeing their new-born for the first time or perhaps it comes to those that feel they have found their inner Zen. And no, I am not talking about getting high. Even though I am sure some would claim that they get that feeling. I would not know, I can’t smoke for my life.

All that I do know is that it is a feeling that I have started to experience again for the first time in quite some time. And boy, does it feel good! I have not jumped out of an airplane (heaven forbid!) nor have I become a mother and trust me; I have not found my inner Zen… but I do feel that life is full of potential. I have no particular new reason for this feeling really.

My circumstances have not changed terribly much. Still skint (surprise, surprise) but maybe I have accepted it better and even though I feel like I have a non-existing social life I still have quality time with the people I care about, be they locally or not. My credit card is still not paid off… will it ever… but I try (emphasis on try!) not to use it too much and put a long-term plan to pay it of little by little and most importantly relax about it a bit. I still do not have a high-flying high-earning job but I did change roles and there is potential for the future even though I will never be on any high-earners list. I am still single and will not mention how long it is since I had sex (let’s not go there) but I am cool with being single and … ok … the sex bit is a bit of a drag but hey, it is not like I have been looking either so that is cool.

Maybe it is just very simple. Not much has changed for me but little things have and the one major thing that has changed is just me. How I look at myself and my life. A good friend of mine once said something like; when you are walking in a dark, deep valley you will eventually climb the mountain and reach the crest. I did not necessarily understand it fully. Because I was still stumbling around amongst the rocks at the bottom. At some stage I stopped stumbling. I do not know when and I do not know why. It is not like all the sudden things were great. There were things happening that did not make me feel great. Events that made me sad or frustrated. Somehow though, I started to see the potentials of things instead of letting them drag me down. I started climbing.

I have a new role in work that could possibly lead forward. It is not perfect but then what job is? However maybe just maybe I can, through hard work, actually make enough money to do something that really does make me feel happy – visit and spend time with people who I care about. If I can do that and get by in my daily life, paying my bills and hopefully be saving some money at some stage – then what else do I really need?

I am still not the size I would like or most importantly not in the physical shape I would like to be. This may be the most frustrating part because I am very impatient and not all that good with the whole self-discipline but I am getting better at it. Another thing as well – the more I go to the club and the gym the more I want to do it. So there is hope yet.

Being single is actually pretty cool. It suits me as well right now. I can do whatever, whenever and however I want. God knows I have zero time or patience to be dating. Just the thought of it alone gets me stressed. So that will just have to wait. Yes, it would be nice to share my life with someone at some stage. But right now I am actually feeling way too selfish to be doing so.

I still have an apartment that is fab but where they really did forget to insulate the bedroom so yes, it is bloody freezing but I also got the cosiest PJ’s ever. Yet another good thing about being single, I can indulge in wearing whatever I like. And I do have a thing for checkered flannel PJ’s.

The funny thing is that these are things that I have known about and could say all along. But I could not feel it. I would say the words but it felt empty. They were just words that I knew were right but that felt so far from what I was feeling that I might just as well have speaking of winning the lotto and moving to Tahiti – hmm I do speak of those things as well but you’ll hopefully get my drift.

Now however I do feel the impact of these positive things and it feels good. Whenever I feel a bit down and bitch about something (god knows that happens) then I sometimes just need a reality check. Because let’s face it – I have a job that is new, challenging and with a bit of luck can make my life a little easier. I have friends that mean very much to me. I have two furry companions that greet me and cuddle every day. And I have two pairs of checkered flannel PJ’s – what else could a girl want??

So yeah, I do get that feeling when my chest expands and all feels good. When I feel there is so much I want to do and I have no idea where to go first. That is because there is so much that I could do and little by little – I will do just so.

Now it is high time to climb into bed wearing my lovely PJ’s. Now THAT is Zen!

What binds us

The bonds between friends, family and lovers are like intricate threads shifting in the wind. Sparkling with all the colors of the rainbow. Like shimmering gossamer in the sun. If we could but see them.

Across the universe threads drift, connecting every living being together. Some loosing an all too light connection. Some ripping apart. Some holding on forever.

With every being we meet and seek; a new thread is created.

Those illusive threads that stay strong have knots that could tell a tale of rife, of sorrow, of forgiveness, of understanding and an unyielding strength – if only we knew how to read them.

These are the threads we knit together with those we love.

In the fiercest gale the threads are stretched taut but do not break. In the darkest night they glimmer to show us the way. In the farthest distance they reach our hearts.

These are the threads we knit together with those we love.

Not fallen of planet Earth quite yet

Yes – I know, I know (hanging head low) I have been a very bad blogger lately. Not a single line has been written. I even neglected to check my stats (in fear that they have turned abysmal which would not have been surprising at all). In fact I have hardly turned on switched on my laptop for days (not turned on… it is good but not THAT good). My only online world (apart from work which is a whole other playing field) has consisted of FB on my phone.

Yes I know it is possible to blog with a smartphone… I even have the app! BUT… no, it is just a bit too much hassle. So what’s up with this absence you may ask; have I met someone, have I been on some exotic holiday, have I forgotten to leave work and slept under my desk? Hmm not quite. I’ve been busy in work yes. Apart from meeting up with my friends… I have a zero romantic social life. Unless I win the lotto the most exotic holiday is my balcony at the moment, which leads me to something that most definitely has kept me away from the laptop… the sun shone down on Ireland!! We went from 11 degrees and rain to 22 degrees and UNBROKEN sunshine (it actually said that in the weather report!) in two days!! I have never (read:NEVER) read that in an Irish weather report in the 12 years I have lived here. Just so that you understand the phenomenal event that it has been. I have not lost the plot quite yet. However, yes I have been that excited about this.

Another reason you see to why I have not been blogging is that I was feeling extremely down. I got sick of only writing about feeling crap and in the end I just did not have anything to say anymore. I mean, how many times can you say that you feel down. Yes there are/were things that are not great and that contributed to me feeling the way I felt but normally I can get myself out of the funk after a while. This time I didn’t and then… the sun came out. All the sudden life felt easier and I was relaxing in my sunchair on my balcony (after a major scrub the decking looked nice again). I was walking down the beach in the sun with friends soaking up the happy atmosphere and equal parts sunshine. I realized I (amongst other things) was in severe need of vitamin D. So I made sure to spend as much time outside as possible. Didn’t burn myself either apart from a spot om my back where I could not reach when applying sun lotion (wonder if cats can be taught to apply sun lotion…). What a difference a bit of sun makes.

Today it is actually a bit cloudy but still 20 degrees and they say the weekend is supposed to be nice. Think a hike is on the cards at the weekend. In either case, I feel much happier. There are still things I need to look into and things are not all rosy and great but that subject is for another time.

So all I wanted to say really is that I am still here. I have not given up on blogging. It may have become somewhat sporadic but bear with me.

Hope the sun is shining on you wherever you may be!

Summer in Dublin. Dollymount Beach.

Pick a’ Mix

Right… time for a bit of a scatty post. Which is a reflection of how scatty brained I feel this evening. Thank God the weekend is nearing, though I was convinced most of the day today that it is Tuesday. Don’t ask, I have no idea why.

Having spend a fabulous weekend away over Easter (see previous post) I prepared myself for another weekend of great fun. In total we were 9 girls (with some who flew in from various destinations to Dublin) that had a blast. We used to all work together when everyone still lived in Dublin and now we try to meet up at least a few times a year.

This was the first time in 3 (!!!) years that we all were in the same pace. I have laughed so much this weekend gone by. Eaten way, way too much food and we also went for a great walk around the Howth cliff walk. It is definitely one of my favorite shorter walks around Dublin. Needless to say that did not make up for the amount of food consumed… I am not sure why our meet-ups always revolve around food but we had quite a few favorite restaurants to sample. Sacrifices have got to be made.

At the top of the walk

and Howth harbour

Oh yeah the cliffs did not attack… but you never know…

I was in addition dying with a cold so I stayed sober throughout the weekend… wow… there are some serious weirdos on the dance floor at 1am – things like that you only really notice when sober. It was concluded that there was maybe one decent looking guy in the ENTIRE place… maybe beer goggles are a good thing after all.

I am always amazed at how great if feels when we are all together. Or as one of the girls put it “… it is like balm for the soul”. Even with a cold those few days energized me and made everything feel just fine. Now to save up for the next meet-up. That is if my car ever stops needing additional repairs…. enough said.

By the way, have you ever seen a bar that you have to peddle to get going? A novel way of seeing Dublin by “bicycle”… and it gets the beer flowing – bonus!

I am also longing for warmer weather now. Today it has been your typical Irish four-seasons weather… lashing rain, hail storm, windy and the odd sunshine. All in all repeated every hour. It makes for good sleeping (I always sleep well when it is raining) but it is the waking up part that troubles me ever so slightly. So come on sunshine.

I did get some sun while I was driving home, even if it just was a glimpse.

This scatty brain will now direct her feet to the nearest duvet. And yes, I am now also talking about me in third person. Definitely ready for Friday to come rollin’ in!

 

Moving through layers

I finally made it down to the club this evening for a training session. It felt really good. As always, when I have been to the club, I am glad I went. I went there feeling determined and up for whatever would be there. I enjoyed every minute and the two hours flew by.

When I was driving home I noticed something – every time after a training session a different emotion will accompany me home.

 

Sometimes I leave feeling like I could take on the world. Nothing can faze or rattle me.

Sometimes I leave with a big smile and sing along happily to every tune on the radio.

Sometimes I leave feeling determined, with clear steps outlined in my mind, ready to conquer any obstacle.

Sometimes I leave feeling frustrated and try to run through why I didn’t get a technique or flow.

Sometimes I leave feeling thoughtful, thinking through an idea or a concept. Mulling it over, maybe creating a blog post in my mind.

Sometimes I leave feeling calm and centered. At peace.

Today I left feeling vulnerable. Not sad or upset, just a little closer to being emotional but without knowing why. Maybe I am more tired than I realized and the training took away the last layers for the day.

 

We all have layers. Some thicker than others. Peeling them back is never easy. Maybe this is one of the things this art can teach me; if I peel away the layers and look… what is there is me without all those barriers, if only for a moment.

Seeing that -  I can take on the world, I smile, I can be determined, I work through frustration, I mull things over, I can be at peace, I can feel vulnerable…

Sometimes moving through layers can make things look much simpler. Sometimes all it takes is being there.

 

Scatterbrain

It feels weird. For the first time in ages my work week has not been full on busy. I have actually had time to feel…

wait for it…

… a bit BORED!

Wow. As in really?

Today I actually caught myself procrastinating – well mainly because I have this one thing I need to get done that is immensely tedious and now that I actually have the time… So before I actually made myself start this tedious task,  I cleaned my desk, organized the drawers, had numerous important “meetings” with colleagues over coffee (hey, social/professional networking IS important you know!) and gone through old behavioral/social/personality tests that I have taken throughout the last 2 years in work ( I just LOVE those!!). I have a thing for those tests.

So yeah, have been a bit of a scatterbrain today. But hey, it is not like I normally have time for it so I actually did cherish it.

Just one day left of the work week and then it is weekend. I am tremendously looking forward to relaxing this weekend. Am going away to the northwest of Ireland with a friend. Looking forward to just being outside in rugged and beautiful scenery. Hoping to be able to take some pictures as well as getting some decent walks in … so please, please dear weather-gods, do not make it rain buckets! I don’t think I have looked forward to a weekend away this much in ages. Yes it will most likely be freezing (it is February after all) but I really do not care.

Am hoping that I will have a few more moment over in the future so that I can post here a bit more often. In the mean time, please feel free to drop into Living 3703 as a new picture is posted there by Christy and myself every day this month!

Random talk

Working from home. Still in my PJ’s. Having a break from the usual rut and trying to post something but so far I have discarded 3 posts of utter crap! Ugh…

I end up writing a few sentences… I read it back and I cringe. It sounds contrived and really, really lame. I am trying to find a balance and to write something substantial but somehow it is not working out. This is giving me a headache.

One minute I want to write about how absolutely messed up my head feels. The next minute I want to write about how trust and respect is earned and oh so easily lost and seldom regained. Then I just want to rant. Or I just want to close my eyes and listen to music and shut the world out. I have reached a place where I do not even want to explain anymore. I fix. I sort, I do. Always something. I am sick of it. Bone tired. Does it even matter?

Still… I continue. I get up and get on with things. There are people around me that inspire and give support and that I trust and respect…. does that not make me rich really?  It cannot be bought, it cannot be forced – but when you have it and can share it… it is invaluable and I count myself truly lucky. 

… and on that note, I will close this short random talk.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7B9PrfNkAM

It all starts with one

It all starts with one.

One thought. One look. With one moment.

When looking back at my life and the decisions I have made throughout I can most times pin point it to one single event at the time. I most likely did not realize it there and then. Well, most times anyway. Sometimes it was a small seed that sprouted a thought that led to it. These were the times when I let my “gut-feeling” make the decision. That illusive intuition that we never can put our finger on.

It is a bit ironic as I can be very skeptical and I like to have facts and I want to know the how, why and when before I make a decision. Once I have made up my mind, I do not change it easily unless you can convince me with a good argument (yes I can be pig-headed). I can admit I am wrong… you just have to be convincing. Either way, the irony in this (before I lose my train of thought) is that when it comes to all the bigger changes in my life – I went on my gut-instinct. There was no hard facts and detailed plans or long decision processes. I just took a decision based one thought that grew and that somehow felt right.

The funny thing is, I have not regretted those decisions. Some where easy to take, some where not but I know that they were the right ones.

Sometimes I tend to think too much. Over-analyze things. I am trying to learn to be more open to just following my intuition. It is not easy though as we have all more or less been taught all our lives that logic prevails and that you should use hard facts and consider carefully before you go ahead.

I am getting better at it though. I believe that my Bujinkan training as something to do with it. Lately I have noticed that the more I try to think about doing a technique correctly the harder it is for me to do the Kata. If I try to just relax and go with the flow it just seems to work better. There is an element of focus as well obviously but maybe the shift is from a focus of doing a technique to a focus on your opponent and then the technique comes more easily. I have not figures this out entirely yet. It is a pretty hard shift for me to pin point to be honest.

Some days  I just feel that I can follow a technique naturally and then when I try to add an element to it and improve it then I focus too much on the separate elements of it and I loose any flow that I once had. It can be very frustrating. Then there are those days when I am just knackered from work and feel exhausted and my conscious mind is barely functioning but somehow the techniques flow better.

I guess that is one of the aspects of this art that I really enjoy. It triggers new ideas and new thought processes. It has made me more open to new ideas. It has made me realize that I really know very little about how I function and what I can do but at the same time I know much more than I ever did before. I know now that there is so much more to figure out and that is exciting. I have just about started to touch upon the basics of this art and I look forward to see where the flow takes me.

Oh… and when I decided to start with practicing Bujinkan? It was a split-decision based on nothing but a good feeling. I knew nothing of this art. I had never done any martial arts even though I knew of other types of arts. I just saw the ad and for some reason decided to have a look. Looking back, I actually think I decided to start even before I entered that first class to have a look. I have never regretted it.