Searching and finding yourself

Posted: April 27, 2010 in Life changes
Tags: , , ,

Whom am I – have you ever asked yourself that question?

What  is it that can change  life…is it a moment, a look, a thought or something much more undefined?  It can be something so small that once the change has happened you are unable to find that defining moment that made all the difference. Change can sometimes also be something different from what you expect and sometimes not actually be a change, sometimes it is more of an actual state of being that previously has been hidden but always there. Hidden due to insecurities, fear of life, fear of being someone you want to be but afraid of taking that important step. Change can sneak up on you and then you stand there realizing that this is something you should have done a long time ago.

There are always different aspects of each personality, different faces that you present to the world depending on the situation. Most people are a bit different when they meet colleagues than they are when they are with their parents or when they are with their partner etc.  Let’s face it, you do not behave the same way when you see your parents as you do in work. It would make for a comic situation if one would change the behavior around for a day.

Most people have this imaginary picture in their mind of themselves;  maybe a slightly cooler, assertive or secure individual or whatever is your mental picture of choice. But what if you could be this person, what if all it takes is to find the courage to transform you into the person you deep down believe you are? I believe most people are too afraid to actually take this step, that it is so much more comfortable to just wistfully daydream and then blame the rest on whatever circumstances that are convenient. Have you ever seen yourself in the mirror and being spooked as you realize that your mental picture of yourself is so much more different that what you actually look like? I have done this countless times.

Always known that the person looking back at me is not a true physical representation of the person that I believe I am and how I should look. I truly believe that the mental picture of myself is fully achievable but, as it will be a tough route to go down and as I am and always have been a bit lazy, this is something that I have never actually tried to achieve. I have let things get out of hand and I am now facing a big challenge and the longer I wait the harder it will be. That in itself has been a stupid reason not to take care of things… It makes me angry that I just stuck me head in the sand, ignoring this. I truly believe that our physical representation on this earth in many ways mirrors our mental representation. The one is connected to the other and in order to make changes you need to look and work on both otherwise you are fooling yourself. A healthy body craves a healthy happy mind and vice versa.

I believe a change of sorts is starting to happen to me or better said has started to happen. I have spent a large part of my life so far to daydream, seeing glimpses of the me that I would like to be but always been too afraid to do anything about it. I always thought that one day maybe it would happen but mainly I have just laughed at thoughts like this, telling myself the get real.

I have always seen myself as several different persons, this does not mean that I have a multiple personality disorder :). I am one person that I seem to be to most people, the personality straits developed through my life from my experiences and decisions made and then this other person that sometimes comes out when I am in my most content, assured, passionate and happy state of mind.

I am not sure of whom I am and do not know if I’ll ever will find myself but I do know that I am slowly starting to see parts of me that before have been obscured. Maybe I am finally starting to become the adult I am supposed to be. The one that faith had in mind when I came into being. What scares me is the possible impact this will have on my life… am I really ready to plunge ahead and to take the consequences that could follow? Weighing that against the fear of what would happen if I ignore this change and just continue being someone less than I believe I could be. So this change has slowly started, what kind of changes you might wonder…well, not terrible much yet, just hints at what is possible. A feeling that I can be more than I am. The person that does not need everyone’s approval to be happy. The person that I am happy with, that can smile at the world knowing I am loved for whom I am. Knowing I can take control of my life, do what I wish to do and what makes me happy….

So here I am, slightly confused and at the same time high on the feeling that something has started to change. Standing at the edge of the cliff, holding me breath before daring to take the plunge.

  1. Bri says:

    I am at the EXACT same stage in my life….I am trying so desperately to find out who i am n what this life holds in store for me!! I AM SCARED…exactly like you said, to take that first step. My prob is I am stuck in a family situation w/ my job (and for right now, my place of residence:(
    I am NOT HAPPY at all with my job….family-owned business….and my parents have always expected my brother n I to one day, take it over. This job does not make me happy!! My brother is a screw-up and I ALWAYS get blamed for the mistakes he makes at work now! Think about if just him n I owned this business…I would ALWAYS take the fall for him!!!!
    So basically….how do i take that first step to begin my life? The life that I WANT….nobody else!! I want a life and job that will MAKE ME HAPPY!

    THANKS EVERYONE….desperately in need of happiness

    • Ivy Blaise says:

      Taking the first step is sometimes the hardest but maybe, mentally, you have already taken the first step. The tough part is to keep going. I have discovered that it always is easier to stay to where you are (even if it isn’t a good place to be). People are creatures of habit and wow are we good at keeping bad habits. The only advice I can give is to really try to figure out what can you live with and what not. Make a list, if that works for you. Write down your options (one on each side). Then give each entry under the options a value (0-9) the higher the value the harder it’s to deal with/overcome. Add together on each side and see if that can give you an indication.

      Maybe start with smaller changes first. Taking it one step at a time – moving house or setting boundaries or whatever you feel is the least scary step to take. Take a deep breath and tell yourself that you are worth living your life your way, a way that makes you happy.

      I am no expert. There are many things in my life that I wish I done differently. The changes in my life will take a while and I am scared of what this all will mean but I owe it to myself to at least try wholeheartedly, otherwise I will not be able to look at myself in the mirror anymore.

      Hope you find the thing that will make it work for you. And give that brother of yours a good kick up the backside 🙂

  2. Daisy says:

    It’s never to late too find out who you are!! Now that you started you’r will get answers on your way, one at the time. I have started my journey some years ago, found a lot of trues about my self, some hard but I feel a lot better. I know there will be times with tears, fears and anger in front of me, but in a way I feel that I can handle that. My life will change in a positive way, I’m sure of that :-)! And you will see it to! It takes time but every step is a step forward!
    Good luck!!! Keep on walking!!!

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