Posts Tagged ‘Friends’

Waking up to the beating rhythm of a pounding headache, stumbling into the bathroom and staring at myself in the mirror… the shocking whiteness of my roots are flashing back at me in their luminous brightness. I feel every hour of my 37 years.

(Sorry, if you thought that this will be about something profound then I will have to disappoint you. Trust me… in this moment I would not be able to debate anything in a cultural or social context in an intelligent matter.)

Bright white roots reminding me that I am no spring chicken anymore. Combined with a sore stiff shoulder due to a badly executed dive-roll (yes I know, my own fault) and dark heavy bags under my eyes and a lingering migraine … I cannot even blame some mad party from last night.

Alright… que the sad violins…

Lament over.

So now I am sitting here trying to look at this from the other side. Migraine medication kicking in is also helping…

I got my first white hair when I was 20 (damn those genes!). I am however supporting the local economy by spending a substantial amount of money at the hairdresser.

Those same genes have also given me a somewhat “looking a bit younger than I am” ( just not today… though considering the rest of the family I might be somewhat reassured for the future).

The humongous bags under my eyes and headache are more likely from work stress and spending too much time last night playing the Xbox. The work situation is shortly to change for the better and gaming… well it is kinda fun.

My healthier living (… not perfected yet) and work-outs and therefore weight-loss is going OK, albeit very slowly. I do enjoy it and you will find me in the gym first thing tomorrow again. The fact is that I am getting to a point where I am fitter than I have been for many years and I never thought I would say that at 37.

I am also the luckiest person alive because I have some of the most amazing people as friends.

So all in all… life is pretty good.

Now excuse me, I have to book that hairdresser appointment.

 

 

When the third cold (after 2 colds and the flu) hit me within a period of 2.5 months, I had enough. I dragged my sorry arse to the doctor for a check-up demanding blood tests and a miracle (eh well, I never said I was all that logical…).

Hmmm blood tests booked and the miracle.. well, that will be up to me. The doctor also took my blood pressure and after a month on cold and flu medication and not enough sleep it was no surprise it was pretty darn high. That said… there is was. Even with the contributing factors I still have a blood pressure that is too high for my age. When the doctor started talking about starting to take medication I backpedalled quicker than any politician put on the spot. I left the doctor with a pretty sinking feeling.

Sat at home reading up on the various medications and the potential side-effects and I freaked. Then I came to a conclusion…. this will not go away magically. No matter how much I backpedal. Now the decision is up to me… I can either continue being a lazy bum that occasionally gets going and hits the gym/club and throws in some healthy food semi-regularly and then resign myself to eating chemicals medication OR I can at least try to make a difference and change my lifestyle and by that also my health.

So here I am. I am lucky enough that I have friends that are very good at what they do in their field of work/interest be it holistic Eastern health, physical training or nutrition. I am even luckier that they will help me out with a good plan and support.

This is week one. I have a plan for exercising. A plan for a better eating habits. And before anyone asks, no I will not just be living of salad leafs and carrots all day. I am also a realist and know that sometimes you need to allow yourself something in moderation. The 80/20 rule or 90/10 rule or whatever you want to call it. Luckily I really do like all kinds of food including lots of nice healthy stuff… I have just been too lazy to actually cook and prepare it.

The blood tests are done and once the results are back then the next step is to try to tackle this in a natural way. I spoke to my doctor who is supportive of this and we will keep an eye on my progress.

Let’s face it. I am stubborn. Unless this will miserably fail, I will not start taking any effing meds! IF however with weigh-loss, better habits and better health I still end up having an issue… then OK… then I will face other solutions.

I guess I am writing this post now so that it is out there. So that I cannot try to lie to myself and say I did not commit to do this. I know there will be times when I really do not want to go to the gym, take that walk, go to the club. When I really just want to vegetate on the sofa with too much crap food. The hardest things will be when I am bored. When I am bored, I munch.

So there it is. No more excuses. No more “oh has 2 months already passed since my new-improved-me-scheme without me actually starting it…”.

This will not be easy BUT I am actually feeling really positive about this. Maybe because this is it. I have no more excuses and this will mean that I finally will do what I always wanted to do but just never did. Maybe one of these days what I see in the mirror will actually match the person I see myself as. Then not having to take the medication will just be a side-effect to being healthy and feeling great.

On that note. I’m off to the club.

One of the best advice I ever got was to write down my thoughts when things felt overwhelming. Initially I could not see the benefit of this. Why would I do this? How could it help me? How would that give me any answers? These were questions I asked myself.

At the time I knew I could no longer express how I felt to others. Not because others did not care but I started to feel like I was a burden. How many times could I repeat the same lament? How many times could people bear to listen?

It is strange when all you want is to feel happy but you just don’t. When you know you need to “snap out of it” but you can’t. I knew I was stuck and I felt like a broken record stuck on repeat. So I stopped saying how I felt. I stopped trying to talk about it. I could not pretend to say things were OK because I just did not have the energy to even do that. I stopped.

With no answers I started to write. Longer pieces, shorter pieces, letters addressed to no-one. Sometimes I pretended I was talking to a friend. Sometimes I just wrote down a mass of words jumbled together. I did not receive any answers but somehow it lessened the tightness in my chest. Piece by piece what I wrote down lighted the burden. Maybe it was because I could be brutally honest. Not having to take into consideration how others might feel. Not having to think about not wanting to worry anyone. I just wrote.

How I felt then and how I feel today is vastly different. Today I look at life and smile. I have a curious positive outlook forward. There will always be down days of course but in general I feel pretty damn good.

I am not trying to say that writing down how I felt back then made me all happy now. There are so many things that made that happening but I am not writing about those changes today. What I am trying to say is that writing down my inner most feelings and thoughts when I was at my lowest helped me getting through it.

Recently, for the first time in a long time, I actually dared to look at those entries that I wrote back then. It was both a scary and emotional experience. I had forgotten how low I felt. I am glad that I once again can put them back in the box. Not forgotten but eased out of mind with a few lessons learned.

Sometimes a simple advice can make all the difference. An advice I will be eternally grateful for.

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It’s the second week in January and lo and behold… the world did not end. Quelle surprise.

Instead it is the usual January blues with credit cards bills piling up, bleary eyed office workers turning up to work, off-licenses noticing a down-turn as the “white month” is in full swing and gyms bursting with sweaty new year’s resolutions.

It is a new year. Full with potential if you decide to grab hold and do more than just wish. For some it is a change of life-style, change of focus, change of perspective. For some it is yet another year of half-hearted resolutions given after too many glasses of champagne. Resolutions broken just as quickly as the bubbles dispersed.

I spent the last two weeks thinking about what I want for this year. What I would like this year to mean for me. I guess I got sick of always having more or less the same resolutions that always end up lasting until February (in a good year). Of course the whole “get fitter, work-out more often and regularly” is still very important but that is not a new year’s resolution. It is a life resolution and a very tough nut to crack. So yes, I will once again try.

Apart from that one then? What will be different from before? So I could focus on ensuring I reach my targets in work, lose weight, work-out (see above), eat healthily, try to make a positive difference in the world even if it is just a small one … but those are things I TRY to do all the time (not always successfully).

I think this year I will just go with a general wish of doing what makes me happy and to set goals as I go along. The road to achieving and reaching those goals is what matters.

Thinking about it… I have some amazing people in my life. People who inspire me. People who I care about deeply and unconditionally. People who care about me. With friends and family like that, what else can I wish for apart from spending time with those who matter to me?

The rest will follow naturally really – I will do my utmost to reach my targets in work so that I get the extra cash to see all. The work-out will follow as I need to improve fitness in order to be able to do the things I like with my friends and stay healthy. The weight-loss will slowly follow with the fitness and the healthy food follows the fitness (as I cannot eat crap when I have been working out, it just feels wrong). And if an action from me can put a smile on someone’s face and if an action somehow helps the betterment of this world then I have made a difference. I can wish for nothing more.

So there is my wish for 2013 and beyond. Happy New Year.

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Do you ever get that almost euphoric feeling when your chest expands and life feels so full of potential that you do not know where to turn or where to start?

When there is so much you could do but yet you have no idea whatsoever what it is that you want to do?

I think that feeling, that expanding emotion – that is what life is. That is what it mean to feel alive. To feel THAT is what makes getting up worth it.

This is the feeling that some might feel when jumping out of a plane or seeing their new-born for the first time or perhaps it comes to those that feel they have found their inner Zen. And no, I am not talking about getting high. Even though I am sure some would claim that they get that feeling. I would not know, I can’t smoke for my life.

All that I do know is that it is a feeling that I have started to experience again for the first time in quite some time. And boy, does it feel good! I have not jumped out of an airplane (heaven forbid!) nor have I become a mother and trust me; I have not found my inner Zen… but I do feel that life is full of potential. I have no particular new reason for this feeling really.

My circumstances have not changed terribly much. Still skint (surprise, surprise) but maybe I have accepted it better and even though I feel like I have a non-existing social life I still have quality time with the people I care about, be they locally or not. My credit card is still not paid off… will it ever… but I try (emphasis on try!) not to use it too much and put a long-term plan to pay it of little by little and most importantly relax about it a bit. I still do not have a high-flying high-earning job but I did change roles and there is potential for the future even though I will never be on any high-earners list. I am still single and will not mention how long it is since I had sex (let’s not go there) but I am cool with being single and … ok … the sex bit is a bit of a drag but hey, it is not like I have been looking either so that is cool.

Maybe it is just very simple. Not much has changed for me but little things have and the one major thing that has changed is just me. How I look at myself and my life. A good friend of mine once said something like; when you are walking in a dark, deep valley you will eventually climb the mountain and reach the crest. I did not necessarily understand it fully. Because I was still stumbling around amongst the rocks at the bottom. At some stage I stopped stumbling. I do not know when and I do not know why. It is not like all the sudden things were great. There were things happening that did not make me feel great. Events that made me sad or frustrated. Somehow though, I started to see the potentials of things instead of letting them drag me down. I started climbing.

I have a new role in work that could possibly lead forward. It is not perfect but then what job is? However maybe just maybe I can, through hard work, actually make enough money to do something that really does make me feel happy – visit and spend time with people who I care about. If I can do that and get by in my daily life, paying my bills and hopefully be saving some money at some stage – then what else do I really need?

I am still not the size I would like or most importantly not in the physical shape I would like to be. This may be the most frustrating part because I am very impatient and not all that good with the whole self-discipline but I am getting better at it. Another thing as well – the more I go to the club and the gym the more I want to do it. So there is hope yet.

Being single is actually pretty cool. It suits me as well right now. I can do whatever, whenever and however I want. God knows I have zero time or patience to be dating. Just the thought of it alone gets me stressed. So that will just have to wait. Yes, it would be nice to share my life with someone at some stage. But right now I am actually feeling way too selfish to be doing so.

I still have an apartment that is fab but where they really did forget to insulate the bedroom so yes, it is bloody freezing but I also got the cosiest PJ’s ever. Yet another good thing about being single, I can indulge in wearing whatever I like. And I do have a thing for checkered flannel PJ’s.

The funny thing is that these are things that I have known about and could say all along. But I could not feel it. I would say the words but it felt empty. They were just words that I knew were right but that felt so far from what I was feeling that I might just as well have speaking of winning the lotto and moving to Tahiti – hmm I do speak of those things as well but you’ll hopefully get my drift.

Now however I do feel the impact of these positive things and it feels good. Whenever I feel a bit down and bitch about something (god knows that happens) then I sometimes just need a reality check. Because let’s face it – I have a job that is new, challenging and with a bit of luck can make my life a little easier. I have friends that mean very much to me. I have two furry companions that greet me and cuddle every day. And I have two pairs of checkered flannel PJ’s – what else could a girl want??

So yeah, I do get that feeling when my chest expands and all feels good. When I feel there is so much I want to do and I have no idea where to go first. That is because there is so much that I could do and little by little – I will do just so.

Now it is high time to climb into bed wearing my lovely PJ’s. Now THAT is Zen!

The bonds between friends, family and lovers are like intricate threads shifting in the wind. Sparkling with all the colors of the rainbow. Like shimmering gossamer in the sun. If we could but see them.

Across the universe threads drift, connecting every living being together. Some loosing an all too light connection. Some ripping apart. Some holding on forever.

With every being we meet and seek; a new thread is created.

Those illusive threads that stay strong have knots that could tell a tale of rife, of sorrow, of forgiveness, of understanding and an unyielding strength – if only we knew how to read them.

These are the threads we knit together with those we love.

In the fiercest gale the threads are stretched taut but do not break. In the darkest night they glimmer to show us the way. In the farthest distance they reach our hearts.

These are the threads we knit together with those we love.

OK Bob… this is for you. You tagged me and here are my answers. I am sacrificing an early nights sleep in order to write this post. This statement clearly has nothing to with me feeling guilty that I have not gotten around to do this ages ago…

1. What’s  your favorite colour and why?  (Memories, associations, ect.)

I go through phases with colours so this changes frequently. The one colour that has stayed with me a lot is blue. It is my favorite ink – I prefer writing with a blue pen. I looove blue jeans. My first bicycle was blue. My favorite necklace is blue as well.

2. What’s the most memorable thing you’ve done in a car?

Have not done anything scandalous in a car. The most cherished memory I have is driving my first car on my own and totally falling in love in driving down the road in the sun with good music on and the windows down. Simple thing but pretty brilliant.

3. Explain the happiest day of your life.

Ohhh, I cannot pinpoint any particular day. A day when the sun is shining, hanging with a good friend/friends and sharing many laughs makes a happy day for me.

4. Explain the a hardest day of your life.  Not necessarily worst but hardest.

Well, had a few like most people. One particular hard one was the day (many years ago) when I lost my job, found out a loan application fell through, didn’t get a travel visa I wanted and fell out with my best friend all within 24 hours.

5. If you had to leave the country that you live in short notice where would you go and what one thing would you bring with you.  Think Zombie apocalypse.

Tahiti? Well, on short notice I’d say I would make my way to continental Europe and just see where in which country I end up in. I would bring my cats though they are not a thing (would bring them anyway) so the one thing I would bring would be my mobile phone… yes I am that sad.

6. Are you a people person?

Yes. I am not someone who loves to mingle and meet new people all the time. I can be quite reserved at first but once I get to know someone and am comfortable in a group, then I never shut up (or so I have been told…). I like people. I still have faith in them.

7. Given a time machine where would you go and what would you do?

Now this one I can never really answer… I love history so I would for example love to go back to Ancient Greek times and see all the buildings and temples when they were new. I also love science fiction and I am a very curious person so I would love to go far ahead in time and see if we actually ever really make it out into space properly. Beam me up!

8. Do you believe in ghosts?

There are too many things out there that we have no real explanation for. So yes, I believe in ghosts but I detest the whole ghost exploration/Derek Acorah nonsense.

9. Are you a prude? Explain.

I would never join a nudist colony but I have no major issues with nudity etc per se. Living in Ireland has probably made me more of a prude than I was when I moved here but I do not see myself as a prude.

10. What are your thoughts on the socioeconomic ramifications of the possible collapse of the European Union?

Bring on the gold buillons? If it would collapse (which I doubt) then we would deal with the mess and then get on with things one country at a time. Hopefully a little bit wiser and a little less greedy (or so one can hope).

11. What’s your favorite movie theater memory?

Watching the “Santa Clause” movie in 1985 with my sister and her then fella. In this particular cinema you where not allowed to bring in food (no idea why) but my sister’s fella smuggled in a few cans of coca cola and sweets and I was very impressed. And I loved the movie.

Right folks, that is all!