Posts Tagged ‘Reflections’

I hate that feeling when I know that I am doing something right but it still makes me a little uncomfortable on some level. Part of me wishing that I did not know about anything and could just ignore it. I guess the term is being “blissfully ignorant”. And blissfully stupid. Treading outside the usual comfort zone.

It occupies my mind a lot lately. I know there is always the option to just walk away and ignore but I am not that kind of person. Walking away from something, which I know to be a good thing to stand up for, just because it is outside my every day comfort zone… well that would be much worse to live with. I could not face myself in the mirror, knowing I walked away because I was too chicken-shit to rock the boat.

Taking a stand against or for something is not as easy as it sounds it seems. I mean, look around; every day we are encouraged to just go blindly ahead with our ordinary lives, in an ordinary way, not causing any trouble, not upsetting the order of things. – Who decided the order though?

Go to work and invest your life, give 110% in work because that will make you successful and then you will get somewhere. – But go where and how will that fulfil your life? Working until you are burned out and then what? Will any corporation actually give a toss or just as easily replace you?

Watch TV, preferably a mind-numbing TV reality shows where you can say “well at least my life is not that pathetic”. Watch the news, see how others live and how they mess up so that you can feel good about yourself. – But it is becoming more and more clear that even the news these days are angled for some agenda and no longer unbiased.

With our minds numbed from work, exhausting us to earn money for someone else, to one way TV fed information, telling us that you should focus on consumerism and a superfluous living, why should we care about anything else?

To me it seems that independent thought and a willingness to stand up for others is something that is frowned upon today. Don’t rock the boat.

We have become complacent in our lives. Nothing fazes us any more because we will not acknowledge anything that is uncomfortable to know or hear about. If we do not acknowledge it then we do not need to look into it, we do not need to make a stand for or against. We do not need to care. It has become too easy to not care.

All through-out history people fought for freedom, rights and the very lives that we are privileged to live now.

Does that mean that we can just sit back now? That we are done and we can leave others to whatever end?

There will always be evil in the world. There will always be injustice. There will always be a need for someone to say “stop” and help. If that someone is joined by another and then by another then we can all act together and make a better world. It may sound very altruistic but really, if no-one tries then how will anything change for the better?

“The planet does not need more successful people. The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers and lovers of all kinds.” – Dalai Lama.

But no, it is not easy to rock the boat. On the other hand knowing I can help rock the boat and make a positive difference, however small, also means that turning my back on it would be even worse.

Complacency is the worst evil in this world. Look around you and be that someone who reaches out and says “stop”.

“I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do. “ – Edward E Hale

One of the best advice I ever got was to write down my thoughts when things felt overwhelming. Initially I could not see the benefit of this. Why would I do this? How could it help me? How would that give me any answers? These were questions I asked myself.

At the time I knew I could no longer express how I felt to others. Not because others did not care but I started to feel like I was a burden. How many times could I repeat the same lament? How many times could people bear to listen?

It is strange when all you want is to feel happy but you just don’t. When you know you need to “snap out of it” but you can’t. I knew I was stuck and I felt like a broken record stuck on repeat. So I stopped saying how I felt. I stopped trying to talk about it. I could not pretend to say things were OK because I just did not have the energy to even do that. I stopped.

With no answers I started to write. Longer pieces, shorter pieces, letters addressed to no-one. Sometimes I pretended I was talking to a friend. Sometimes I just wrote down a mass of words jumbled together. I did not receive any answers but somehow it lessened the tightness in my chest. Piece by piece what I wrote down lighted the burden. Maybe it was because I could be brutally honest. Not having to take into consideration how others might feel. Not having to think about not wanting to worry anyone. I just wrote.

How I felt then and how I feel today is vastly different. Today I look at life and smile. I have a curious positive outlook forward. There will always be down days of course but in general I feel pretty damn good.

I am not trying to say that writing down how I felt back then made me all happy now. There are so many things that made that happening but I am not writing about those changes today. What I am trying to say is that writing down my inner most feelings and thoughts when I was at my lowest helped me getting through it.

Recently, for the first time in a long time, I actually dared to look at those entries that I wrote back then. It was both a scary and emotional experience. I had forgotten how low I felt. I am glad that I once again can put them back in the box. Not forgotten but eased out of mind with a few lessons learned.

Sometimes a simple advice can make all the difference. An advice I will be eternally grateful for.

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It’s the second week in January and lo and behold… the world did not end. Quelle surprise.

Instead it is the usual January blues with credit cards bills piling up, bleary eyed office workers turning up to work, off-licenses noticing a down-turn as the “white month” is in full swing and gyms bursting with sweaty new year’s resolutions.

It is a new year. Full with potential if you decide to grab hold and do more than just wish. For some it is a change of life-style, change of focus, change of perspective. For some it is yet another year of half-hearted resolutions given after too many glasses of champagne. Resolutions broken just as quickly as the bubbles dispersed.

I spent the last two weeks thinking about what I want for this year. What I would like this year to mean for me. I guess I got sick of always having more or less the same resolutions that always end up lasting until February (in a good year). Of course the whole “get fitter, work-out more often and regularly” is still very important but that is not a new year’s resolution. It is a life resolution and a very tough nut to crack. So yes, I will once again try.

Apart from that one then? What will be different from before? So I could focus on ensuring I reach my targets in work, lose weight, work-out (see above), eat healthily, try to make a positive difference in the world even if it is just a small one … but those are things I TRY to do all the time (not always successfully).

I think this year I will just go with a general wish of doing what makes me happy and to set goals as I go along. The road to achieving and reaching those goals is what matters.

Thinking about it… I have some amazing people in my life. People who inspire me. People who I care about deeply and unconditionally. People who care about me. With friends and family like that, what else can I wish for apart from spending time with those who matter to me?

The rest will follow naturally really – I will do my utmost to reach my targets in work so that I get the extra cash to see all. The work-out will follow as I need to improve fitness in order to be able to do the things I like with my friends and stay healthy. The weight-loss will slowly follow with the fitness and the healthy food follows the fitness (as I cannot eat crap when I have been working out, it just feels wrong). And if an action from me can put a smile on someone’s face and if an action somehow helps the betterment of this world then I have made a difference. I can wish for nothing more.

So there is my wish for 2013 and beyond. Happy New Year.

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Do you ever get that almost euphoric feeling when your chest expands and life feels so full of potential that you do not know where to turn or where to start?

When there is so much you could do but yet you have no idea whatsoever what it is that you want to do?

I think that feeling, that expanding emotion – that is what life is. That is what it mean to feel alive. To feel THAT is what makes getting up worth it.

This is the feeling that some might feel when jumping out of a plane or seeing their new-born for the first time or perhaps it comes to those that feel they have found their inner Zen. And no, I am not talking about getting high. Even though I am sure some would claim that they get that feeling. I would not know, I can’t smoke for my life.

All that I do know is that it is a feeling that I have started to experience again for the first time in quite some time. And boy, does it feel good! I have not jumped out of an airplane (heaven forbid!) nor have I become a mother and trust me; I have not found my inner Zen… but I do feel that life is full of potential. I have no particular new reason for this feeling really.

My circumstances have not changed terribly much. Still skint (surprise, surprise) but maybe I have accepted it better and even though I feel like I have a non-existing social life I still have quality time with the people I care about, be they locally or not. My credit card is still not paid off… will it ever… but I try (emphasis on try!) not to use it too much and put a long-term plan to pay it of little by little and most importantly relax about it a bit. I still do not have a high-flying high-earning job but I did change roles and there is potential for the future even though I will never be on any high-earners list. I am still single and will not mention how long it is since I had sex (let’s not go there) but I am cool with being single and … ok … the sex bit is a bit of a drag but hey, it is not like I have been looking either so that is cool.

Maybe it is just very simple. Not much has changed for me but little things have and the one major thing that has changed is just me. How I look at myself and my life. A good friend of mine once said something like; when you are walking in a dark, deep valley you will eventually climb the mountain and reach the crest. I did not necessarily understand it fully. Because I was still stumbling around amongst the rocks at the bottom. At some stage I stopped stumbling. I do not know when and I do not know why. It is not like all the sudden things were great. There were things happening that did not make me feel great. Events that made me sad or frustrated. Somehow though, I started to see the potentials of things instead of letting them drag me down. I started climbing.

I have a new role in work that could possibly lead forward. It is not perfect but then what job is? However maybe just maybe I can, through hard work, actually make enough money to do something that really does make me feel happy – visit and spend time with people who I care about. If I can do that and get by in my daily life, paying my bills and hopefully be saving some money at some stage – then what else do I really need?

I am still not the size I would like or most importantly not in the physical shape I would like to be. This may be the most frustrating part because I am very impatient and not all that good with the whole self-discipline but I am getting better at it. Another thing as well – the more I go to the club and the gym the more I want to do it. So there is hope yet.

Being single is actually pretty cool. It suits me as well right now. I can do whatever, whenever and however I want. God knows I have zero time or patience to be dating. Just the thought of it alone gets me stressed. So that will just have to wait. Yes, it would be nice to share my life with someone at some stage. But right now I am actually feeling way too selfish to be doing so.

I still have an apartment that is fab but where they really did forget to insulate the bedroom so yes, it is bloody freezing but I also got the cosiest PJ’s ever. Yet another good thing about being single, I can indulge in wearing whatever I like. And I do have a thing for checkered flannel PJ’s.

The funny thing is that these are things that I have known about and could say all along. But I could not feel it. I would say the words but it felt empty. They were just words that I knew were right but that felt so far from what I was feeling that I might just as well have speaking of winning the lotto and moving to Tahiti – hmm I do speak of those things as well but you’ll hopefully get my drift.

Now however I do feel the impact of these positive things and it feels good. Whenever I feel a bit down and bitch about something (god knows that happens) then I sometimes just need a reality check. Because let’s face it – I have a job that is new, challenging and with a bit of luck can make my life a little easier. I have friends that mean very much to me. I have two furry companions that greet me and cuddle every day. And I have two pairs of checkered flannel PJ’s – what else could a girl want??

So yeah, I do get that feeling when my chest expands and all feels good. When I feel there is so much I want to do and I have no idea where to go first. That is because there is so much that I could do and little by little – I will do just so.

Now it is high time to climb into bed wearing my lovely PJ’s. Now THAT is Zen!

The bonds between friends, family and lovers are like intricate threads shifting in the wind. Sparkling with all the colors of the rainbow. Like shimmering gossamer in the sun. If we could but see them.

Across the universe threads drift, connecting every living being together. Some loosing an all too light connection. Some ripping apart. Some holding on forever.

With every being we meet and seek; a new thread is created.

Those illusive threads that stay strong have knots that could tell a tale of rife, of sorrow, of forgiveness, of understanding and an unyielding strength – if only we knew how to read them.

These are the threads we knit together with those we love.

In the fiercest gale the threads are stretched taut but do not break. In the darkest night they glimmer to show us the way. In the farthest distance they reach our hearts.

These are the threads we knit together with those we love.

Yes – I know, I know (hanging head low) I have been a very bad blogger lately. Not a single line has been written. I even neglected to check my stats (in fear that they have turned abysmal which would not have been surprising at all). In fact I have hardly turned on switched on my laptop for days (not turned on… it is good but not THAT good). My only online world (apart from work which is a whole other playing field) has consisted of FB on my phone.

Yes I know it is possible to blog with a smartphone… I even have the app! BUT… no, it is just a bit too much hassle. So what’s up with this absence you may ask; have I met someone, have I been on some exotic holiday, have I forgotten to leave work and slept under my desk? Hmm not quite. I’ve been busy in work yes. Apart from meeting up with my friends… I have a zero romantic social life. Unless I win the lotto the most exotic holiday is my balcony at the moment, which leads me to something that most definitely has kept me away from the laptop… the sun shone down on Ireland!! We went from 11 degrees and rain to 22 degrees and UNBROKEN sunshine (it actually said that in the weather report!) in two days!! I have never (read:NEVER) read that in an Irish weather report in the 12 years I have lived here. Just so that you understand the phenomenal event that it has been. I have not lost the plot quite yet. However, yes I have been that excited about this.

Another reason you see to why I have not been blogging is that I was feeling extremely down. I got sick of only writing about feeling crap and in the end I just did not have anything to say anymore. I mean, how many times can you say that you feel down. Yes there are/were things that are not great and that contributed to me feeling the way I felt but normally I can get myself out of the funk after a while. This time I didn’t and then… the sun came out. All the sudden life felt easier and I was relaxing in my sunchair on my balcony (after a major scrub the decking looked nice again). I was walking down the beach in the sun with friends soaking up the happy atmosphere and equal parts sunshine. I realized I (amongst other things) was in severe need of vitamin D. So I made sure to spend as much time outside as possible. Didn’t burn myself either apart from a spot om my back where I could not reach when applying sun lotion (wonder if cats can be taught to apply sun lotion…). What a difference a bit of sun makes.

Today it is actually a bit cloudy but still 20 degrees and they say the weekend is supposed to be nice. Think a hike is on the cards at the weekend. In either case, I feel much happier. There are still things I need to look into and things are not all rosy and great but that subject is for another time.

So all I wanted to say really is that I am still here. I have not given up on blogging. It may have become somewhat sporadic but bear with me.

Hope the sun is shining on you wherever you may be!

Summer in Dublin. Dollymount Beach.

Right… time for a bit of a scatty post. Which is a reflection of how scatty brained I feel this evening. Thank God the weekend is nearing, though I was convinced most of the day today that it is Tuesday. Don’t ask, I have no idea why.

Having spend a fabulous weekend away over Easter (see previous post) I prepared myself for another weekend of great fun. In total we were 9 girls (with some who flew in from various destinations to Dublin) that had a blast. We used to all work together when everyone still lived in Dublin and now we try to meet up at least a few times a year.

This was the first time in 3 (!!!) years that we all were in the same pace. I have laughed so much this weekend gone by. Eaten way, way too much food and we also went for a great walk around the Howth cliff walk. It is definitely one of my favorite shorter walks around Dublin. Needless to say that did not make up for the amount of food consumed… I am not sure why our meet-ups always revolve around food but we had quite a few favorite restaurants to sample. Sacrifices have got to be made.

At the top of the walk

and Howth harbour

Oh yeah the cliffs did not attack… but you never know…

I was in addition dying with a cold so I stayed sober throughout the weekend… wow… there are some serious weirdos on the dance floor at 1am – things like that you only really notice when sober. It was concluded that there was maybe one decent looking guy in the ENTIRE place… maybe beer goggles are a good thing after all.

I am always amazed at how great if feels when we are all together. Or as one of the girls put it “… it is like balm for the soul”. Even with a cold those few days energized me and made everything feel just fine. Now to save up for the next meet-up. That is if my car ever stops needing additional repairs…. enough said.

By the way, have you ever seen a bar that you have to peddle to get going? A novel way of seeing Dublin by “bicycle”… and it gets the beer flowing – bonus!

I am also longing for warmer weather now. Today it has been your typical Irish four-seasons weather… lashing rain, hail storm, windy and the odd sunshine. All in all repeated every hour. It makes for good sleeping (I always sleep well when it is raining) but it is the waking up part that troubles me ever so slightly. So come on sunshine.

I did get some sun while I was driving home, even if it just was a glimpse.

This scatty brain will now direct her feet to the nearest duvet. And yes, I am now also talking about me in third person. Definitely ready for Friday to come rollin’ in!