A string of words

One of the best advice I ever got was to write down my thoughts when things felt overwhelming. Initially I could not see the benefit of this. Why would I do this? How could it help me? How would that give me any answers? These were questions I asked myself.

At the time I knew I could no longer express how I felt to others. Not because others did not care but I started to feel like I was a burden. How many times could I repeat the same lament? How many times could people bear to listen?

It is strange when all you want is to feel happy but you just don’t. When you know you need to “snap out of it” but you can’t. I knew I was stuck and I felt like a broken record stuck on repeat. So I stopped saying how I felt. I stopped trying to talk about it. I could not pretend to say things were OK because I just did not have the energy to even do that. I stopped.

With no answers I started to write. Longer pieces, shorter pieces, letters addressed to no-one. Sometimes I pretended I was talking to a friend. Sometimes I just wrote down a mass of words jumbled together. I did not receive any answers but somehow it lessened the tightness in my chest. Piece by piece what I wrote down lighted the burden. Maybe it was because I could be brutally honest. Not having to take into consideration how others might feel. Not having to think about not wanting to worry anyone. I just wrote.

How I felt then and how I feel today is vastly different. Today I look at life and smile. I have a curious positive outlook forward. There will always be down days of course but in general I feel pretty damn good.

I am not trying to say that writing down how I felt back then made me all happy now. There are so many things that made that happening but I am not writing about those changes today. What I am trying to say is that writing down my inner most feelings and thoughts when I was at my lowest helped me getting through it.

Recently, for the first time in a long time, I actually dared to look at those entries that I wrote back then. It was both a scary and emotional experience. I had forgotten how low I felt. I am glad that I once again can put them back in the box. Not forgotten but eased out of mind with a few lessons learned.

Sometimes a simple advice can make all the difference. An advice I will be eternally grateful for.

Letting go

There she is. With no defenses left. On display with everything that she is. Hoping it is enough. Praying that it is enough.

The urge to run and hide is overwhelming. To push the world away. The anger and the distance was all she had but it is so tiring. So draining.

The strength to support the barriers has failed her. She is worn down, worn down to the bare essence of her being. A gust of wind could blow her over or lift her to new heights. She stands there trembling.

She lets go and gives herself over. She is vulnerable. She is scared. She is beautiful.

There she is. With no defenses left. On display with everything that she is. Hoping it is enough. Praying that it is enough.

Who is she? She is me. She is you. She is everyone.

When the battle is lost but the struggle is not…

We all have moments when we are not at our best. When life feels overwhelming. When things get to us. When hiding away is tempting.

I struggle with moments like this. I do not like feeling vulnerable, not in front of others or even myself. I normally fight these moments with all I got.

Sometimes though, it is a loosing battle. These are the times when I feel at a loss. I do not know what to do or where to turn. On one hand I do not want to burden anyone with my issues, whatever they may be, even as I know that my friends would be there for me. On the other hand I want nothing more than hear that all will be OK and that people care about me. Pride is a fickle thing.

These low points in life can show up out of the blue sometimes, for no apparent reason. It is not easy when they do. They leave me feeling shaken and vulnerable. I am at the end of a low point at the moment (the reason that triggered it does not matter now) but I am starting to turn the corner.

I pride myself on being self-sufficient. I can take care of myself. I have my faults, like every one else, but I know who I am. What I do not know yet, I am finding out. Gaining knowledge of whom I am is an ongoing process. I have found a strength and a conviction in me that I was not quite aware of previously. I am slowly learning that it is OK to ask for help sometimes. I also have an inborn stubbornness in me that refuses to let me linger in misery for too long.

So yes, this particular battle was lost. I am not losing in the end though. I may fall down many times… but I am getting up each time stronger. Both with help from friends and because I refuse to lay down. I try to learn lessons from the low moments and go on. The good moments are what I choose to define my life with. Life is too short for anything else.