A string of words

One of the best advice I ever got was to write down my thoughts when things felt overwhelming. Initially I could not see the benefit of this. Why would I do this? How could it help me? How would that give me any answers? These were questions I asked myself.

At the time I knew I could no longer express how I felt to others. Not because others did not care but I started to feel like I was a burden. How many times could I repeat the same lament? How many times could people bear to listen?

It is strange when all you want is to feel happy but you just don’t. When you know you need to “snap out of it” but you can’t. I knew I was stuck and I felt like a broken record stuck on repeat. So I stopped saying how I felt. I stopped trying to talk about it. I could not pretend to say things were OK because I just did not have the energy to even do that. I stopped.

With no answers I started to write. Longer pieces, shorter pieces, letters addressed to no-one. Sometimes I pretended I was talking to a friend. Sometimes I just wrote down a mass of words jumbled together. I did not receive any answers but somehow it lessened the tightness in my chest. Piece by piece what I wrote down lighted the burden. Maybe it was because I could be brutally honest. Not having to take into consideration how others might feel. Not having to think about not wanting to worry anyone. I just wrote.

How I felt then and how I feel today is vastly different. Today I look at life and smile. I have a curious positive outlook forward. There will always be down days of course but in general I feel pretty damn good.

I am not trying to say that writing down how I felt back then made me all happy now. There are so many things that made that happening but I am not writing about those changes today. What I am trying to say is that writing down my inner most feelings and thoughts when I was at my lowest helped me getting through it.

Recently, for the first time in a long time, I actually dared to look at those entries that I wrote back then. It was both a scary and emotional experience. I had forgotten how low I felt. I am glad that I once again can put them back in the box. Not forgotten but eased out of mind with a few lessons learned.

Sometimes a simple advice can make all the difference. An advice I will be eternally grateful for.

The never ending move…

One more weekend and then I FINALLY will have moved all my things. I cannot believe how much time and effort this has taken. Well OK… I have only been able to move on weekends due to work commitments but still. It feels like the never-ending move.

I moved my cats yesterday. They spent most of the day checking all out and giving me a look stating “ehhhh what’s this place?” The remainder of the day was spend sunbathing on the balcony – after checking out the other cats and dogs in the area first. Think the balcony was a hit.

Have to say the new apartment is looking nice. It looks like someone lives there now instead of just lodging. Have bought a few things in IKEA… so am ridiculously skint now but it makes a difference to the place.

I also need to sort out an internet connection… I so, sooo need to get Internet! Phone surfing is a pain. I actually feel extremely restricted. The blog writing is suffering and trying to follow other blogs is also a challenge. My phone screen is not exactly huge. Not to mention that sometimes I want to check something and I more or less have to wait until I am in work and happen to have 2 minutes to check it up. Yeah I know… first world problem.

Next step… move the last things this upcoming weekend. Buy a TV – for those days when I just want to watch a film. Most importantly… have some friends over for a few beverages (hrrmm). Woohoo! Hehe!

Curveballs

This is turning out to be quite an expensive week so far. First the charges that I made on my VISA card while on my holiday are starting to show up on my statement. How did it add up so fast?

Then we discovered that we need to re-tile the en-suite shower as we have a persistent issue with water damage. This is where i could go off in a rant about incompetent builders that installed it in the first place but I do not have the energy for that right now.

To make things even better my beloved car started to overheat on my way home from work the other day which really causes me problems as without my car it is a nightmare to get to work and I refuse to take public transport for 2 hours when it takes me 30 min to drive. So into the garage she goes. Of course it is not a simple issue… they are still trying to find the cause of the problem… please, please let it not be the head gasket! If it is it will cost me over 600 euro…. (bye-bye Malaga weekend trip with the girls, which already started to look unlikely).

The most important thing that I need to remember here is that I still need to be able to laugh about things. The best comment I got in regards to my car was from one of the girls in work. I pointed out that my car was sick and had a fever… her response was “… just pour a bottle of Butterworth into the tank and wrap up and let it have a good sweat…”

Loved that!

I might be getting very close to be very broke but with a few good laughs it will be grand. Life might through a few curveballs at me but you know what… hahaha!

Wrung out, shattered, knackered…

I feel shattered… just have some minuscule energy left today…just enough to moan a bit in the blog and then drag myself to bed. This has been an extremely busy week in work, 11 hour days… which I normally can deal with but not this week. Didn’t realize having a chest infection would take that much out of me. Que….pouting “feeling sorry for myself” look.

Of course I haven’t been to the doctor…not me… only go when I am dying or in need of a doctor’s note. Stubborn..yes, that’s me. Found some antibiotics in the medicine cupboard, hmmm… believe I got them about a year and a half ago when I had the flu… but alas, they are out of date..took one anyway… not such a great decision. Ended up having stomach pains. Effing eejiit sounds like a good way to describe what I told myself. The pharmacist basically confirmed that could happen. Sigh.

One more day to go and then it is the weekend. Thank heaven for that. I intend to sleep and then sleep some more and then maybe buy some nice food and have a really nice meal. Am sick of quick sandwiches or salads in front of PC in work. Next week should be much better.

Oh god…definitely time to go to bed…they are actually playing a Xmas song on the radio right now…if that doesn’t get you to run for cover then I do not know what. Need to stop moaning now. Happy upcoming weekend thoughts!

As leaves are falling…

Image via Wikipedia

What a lovely day it has been today! The sun was shining all day, the air was so fresh and clean and I was warm and comfortable wearing a scarf and light gloves. Am now having a cup of tea as the sun is setting over clear skies and enjoying this Sunday evening.

The large tree outside my living room window has almost shed all its leaves while others are still sporting magnificent colours. As I look out I am taking snap shots with my mind and I almost wish I could freeze time to capture these beautiful moments but then I realize that it is the change itself that makes it beautiful. Without the changes, with all being the same, the beauty becomes dull and lifeless. Much as our lives, without change and reinvention the splendour is gone. If we stall we lose ourselves and that is the most tragic thing in the world. We need to let our leaves fall, knowing that they will re-emerge all the more vibrant again.

So as leaves are falling, I am cherishing these moments as they come and go.

Blogging anonymously or not…

So… when I started thinking about blogging, one of the first thing that I thought about was that I would start blogging under a different name. Mainly because I was feeling really hesitant about writing all this stuff that spills out of my head and what people who know me would think and if I’m honest…I was also a scaredy cat about it. This was not exactly something that I had ever done before. There is a certain freedom to blog under a different name. People who read it have no preconceived opinions about you and you can say things that you previously have felt shy about or thinking that others might laugh about. At least this is how I felt.

Lately I have started to re-evaluate my thinking regarding this subject. In the end of the day, if someone thinks that what I write about is stupid, laughable (in the bad sense of the word) or just plain boring..well, then they are entitled to their opinion and they don’t have to read what I write. Life is too short to worry about what everyone else thinks and as much as I would like it to be different, there will always be people who do not like what I have to say, who think what I say is stupid or just don’t like me as a person. I obviously hope that what I write is not totally horrid and that there are people out there that enjoy my silly rants about this and that but I blog for my sake as much as anything else. It somehow feels right to write down my thoughts even if it doesn’t always makes sense.

So, I guess I will just have to update my “About me” page now. I will still call this blog “Ivy Blaise’s Blog”, let’s just say that this will be my “alter ego” and considering that I have one of the most complicated names ever that no-one ever can spell or pronounce half the time ( will cover that rant in a separate blog entry I think), I think I will stick to “Ivy Blaise”. I have always liked the first name “Ivy” somehow and I took the name “Blaise” from an old tale about Merlin where Blaise was Merlin’s master and the one who wrote down Merlin’s deeds. I also have to confess that I am very fond of the comic “Modesty Blaise” since an early age. Ah well, I have never claimed to make sense.

So now to step two…update profile and see what happens after that. Am still a bit of a scaredy cat though… 🙂

Lifespan

This lifespan of ours is too short. I mean, what is the average life expectancy today, maybe 80 years? It really isn’t that long. A lot can happen during those years but if you think about it, it is really an even shorter time span where we actually get to be out there doing our own stuff. As small children our experiences are pretty limited to whatever our families do and in old age then we are limited (but hopefully not stopped) by old age and all that entails. So that leaves us with a limited amount of time to do the things in life that we love.

There is so much out there, more to see, to do, to experience, to feel, to anticipate, to know. This does not mean that I want to climb every mountain, jump every cliff, swim in every ocean but I would like to experience all that is changing in the world. Not just on a personal level. Things that we humans in a normal lifespan cannot notice much of as our time on this earth is to short, just a blink in eternity.

I was always fascinated by history and science in school and for me it is when I look at all the things that have happened that I realize that there will be so much more that will happen that I most likely will not experience or at least see the end of. That is really frustrating for me.

I remember those animation in school, in geography, when they showed how the earth changed over millennia , like how Pangaea drifted apart and how the world slowly was colonized. This fascinated me and I always wanted to see more. What will happened next, will we go into space properly, travel the stars, what will develop on earth next? What will be the next superpower, who will be the next Picasso, will we evolve as a species and so forth.

Maybe this is just greedy and some would argue that we are allocated a certain amount of time on this earth and just to make the best of it. Well, I most certainly will try to do that but it will never make me stop wanting to know more and wishing I could see into the future, to see what will happen. As a species, humans are curious and this is a strong trait in me. I can just hope that someone will invent that time machine one day and let me have a go at it. In the mean time I will just have to make sure to use my time on this earth as best I can and to do the things I love. And stop reading the BBC Focus magazine too much.

Collecting life experience points

I was sitting in my car the other day and I started thinking about what if I could go back ten years in time but keep the same experiences that I have today. How would that have changed my choices in life? A lot of things can happen in ten years and you do not always realize how much you change during these years as a person. It is not like you wake up one day and go “ding ding… I am now a different, more mature person with all the answers”. Right… like that would ever happen.

Somethings have not changed – I still find the same things as hilarious as before, I still am very good at putting my foot in my mouth and I still laugh when I get embarrassed and so forth. The changes have been more subtle – feeling a bit more confident with myself. I am more accepting of whom I am and the choices I make. Becoming more open, both to external change and to personal feelings. Going for what I want but at the same time becoming more aware of the consequences of my actions. Realizing that I should not be afraid to ask for what I want but that at the same time giving is equally important. A balance that I hope I will become better at in the near future. Continuation to develop as a person.

So I was playing with the idea in my head that I would be in my early twenties again but knowing what I know today.

Would I move to a different country again…yes.
Would I stay in the same jobs for the same time… no.
Would I pay more attention to people around me… definitely.
Would I say “no, thanks” more often… yes.
Would I say “yes, let’s go” more often… yes.
Would I start with martial arts earlier… oh yes.
Would there be many changes… some.
Would I be a much different person… probably not.

So has much changed so far? Not really. At the end of the day it has only been ten years. The fascinating bit is what will I be able to say in twenty more years? I’ll just have to wait and see. Will I ever wake up and go “ding ding… I am now a different, more mature person with all the answers” … most definitely not! I might change some more, maybe have a bit more cop-on…. but mature….naaahhhh…don’t think so. Will just keep collecting life experience points and enjoy each new experience; discard the bad ones and treasure the good ones.

New job?

ok, deep breaths. Another step has been taken… hopefully in the right direction. Just got back from a job interview…for a different type of job than what I have had before. Sticking out my neck a bit. Is it my dream job?… well, haven’t figured out what my dream job is yet and god knows if I ever will. The amount of times that I have gotten the question regarding what I want to do…well I couldn’t answer that as a young teenager and I still haven’t figured out what I want to do when I “grow up”.

Interviews are so hard to do sometimes. You do not want to be over eager or too uninterested. You want to come across as confident, not arrogant etc when in reality you are most likely sooo nervous and just want to jump up and scream; “Please I can do this, hire me!” Sigh. The tricky bit is to figure out what the interviewer really thinks. Some people are so hard to read and fair play to them, they are good at their job but it does not makes life easy for the poor applicant.

Either way, now I just have to wait and keep my fingers (and toes) crossed. Wish me luck.

Searching and finding yourself

Whom am I – have you ever asked yourself that question?

What  is it that can change  life…is it a moment, a look, a thought or something much more undefined?  It can be something so small that once the change has happened you are unable to find that defining moment that made all the difference. Change can sometimes also be something different from what you expect and sometimes not actually be a change, sometimes it is more of an actual state of being that previously has been hidden but always there. Hidden due to insecurities, fear of life, fear of being someone you want to be but afraid of taking that important step. Change can sneak up on you and then you stand there realizing that this is something you should have done a long time ago.

There are always different aspects of each personality, different faces that you present to the world depending on the situation. Most people are a bit different when they meet colleagues than they are when they are with their parents or when they are with their partner etc.  Let’s face it, you do not behave the same way when you see your parents as you do in work. It would make for a comic situation if one would change the behavior around for a day.

Most people have this imaginary picture in their mind of themselves;  maybe a slightly cooler, assertive or secure individual or whatever is your mental picture of choice. But what if you could be this person, what if all it takes is to find the courage to transform you into the person you deep down believe you are? I believe most people are too afraid to actually take this step, that it is so much more comfortable to just wistfully daydream and then blame the rest on whatever circumstances that are convenient. Have you ever seen yourself in the mirror and being spooked as you realize that your mental picture of yourself is so much more different that what you actually look like? I have done this countless times.

Always known that the person looking back at me is not a true physical representation of the person that I believe I am and how I should look. I truly believe that the mental picture of myself is fully achievable but, as it will be a tough route to go down and as I am and always have been a bit lazy, this is something that I have never actually tried to achieve. I have let things get out of hand and I am now facing a big challenge and the longer I wait the harder it will be. That in itself has been a stupid reason not to take care of things… It makes me angry that I just stuck me head in the sand, ignoring this. I truly believe that our physical representation on this earth in many ways mirrors our mental representation. The one is connected to the other and in order to make changes you need to look and work on both otherwise you are fooling yourself. A healthy body craves a healthy happy mind and vice versa.

I believe a change of sorts is starting to happen to me or better said has started to happen. I have spent a large part of my life so far to daydream, seeing glimpses of the me that I would like to be but always been too afraid to do anything about it. I always thought that one day maybe it would happen but mainly I have just laughed at thoughts like this, telling myself the get real.

I have always seen myself as several different persons, this does not mean that I have a multiple personality disorder :). I am one person that I seem to be to most people, the personality straits developed through my life from my experiences and decisions made and then this other person that sometimes comes out when I am in my most content, assured, passionate and happy state of mind.

I am not sure of whom I am and do not know if I’ll ever will find myself but I do know that I am slowly starting to see parts of me that before have been obscured. Maybe I am finally starting to become the adult I am supposed to be. The one that faith had in mind when I came into being. What scares me is the possible impact this will have on my life… am I really ready to plunge ahead and to take the consequences that could follow? Weighing that against the fear of what would happen if I ignore this change and just continue being someone less than I believe I could be. So this change has slowly started, what kind of changes you might wonder…well, not terrible much yet, just hints at what is possible. A feeling that I can be more than I am. The person that does not need everyone’s approval to be happy. The person that I am happy with, that can smile at the world knowing I am loved for whom I am. Knowing I can take control of my life, do what I wish to do and what makes me happy….

So here I am, slightly confused and at the same time high on the feeling that something has started to change. Standing at the edge of the cliff, holding me breath before daring to take the plunge.