Posts Tagged ‘Changes’

One of the best advice I ever got was to write down my thoughts when things felt overwhelming. Initially I could not see the benefit of this. Why would I do this? How could it help me? How would that give me any answers? These were questions I asked myself.

At the time I knew I could no longer express how I felt to others. Not because others did not care but I started to feel like I was a burden. How many times could I repeat the same lament? How many times could people bear to listen?

It is strange when all you want is to feel happy but you just don’t. When you know you need to “snap out of it” but you can’t. I knew I was stuck and I felt like a broken record stuck on repeat. So I stopped saying how I felt. I stopped trying to talk about it. I could not pretend to say things were OK because I just did not have the energy to even do that. I stopped.

With no answers I started to write. Longer pieces, shorter pieces, letters addressed to no-one. Sometimes I pretended I was talking to a friend. Sometimes I just wrote down a mass of words jumbled together. I did not receive any answers but somehow it lessened the tightness in my chest. Piece by piece what I wrote down lighted the burden. Maybe it was because I could be brutally honest. Not having to take into consideration how others might feel. Not having to think about not wanting to worry anyone. I just wrote.

How I felt then and how I feel today is vastly different. Today I look at life and smile. I have a curious positive outlook forward. There will always be down days of course but in general I feel pretty damn good.

I am not trying to say that writing down how I felt back then made me all happy now. There are so many things that made that happening but I am not writing about those changes today. What I am trying to say is that writing down my inner most feelings and thoughts when I was at my lowest helped me getting through it.

Recently, for the first time in a long time, I actually dared to look at those entries that I wrote back then. It was both a scary and emotional experience. I had forgotten how low I felt. I am glad that I once again can put them back in the box. Not forgotten but eased out of mind with a few lessons learned.

Sometimes a simple advice can make all the difference. An advice I will be eternally grateful for.

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One more weekend and then I FINALLY will have moved all my things. I cannot believe how much time and effort this has taken. Well OK… I have only been able to move on weekends due to work commitments but still. It feels like the never-ending move.

I moved my cats yesterday. They spent most of the day checking all out and giving me a look stating “ehhhh what’s this place?” The remainder of the day was spend sunbathing on the balcony – after checking out the other cats and dogs in the area first. Think the balcony was a hit.

Have to say the new apartment is looking nice. It looks like someone lives there now instead of just lodging. Have bought a few things in IKEA… so am ridiculously skint now but it makes a difference to the place.

I also need to sort out an internet connection… I so, sooo need to get Internet! Phone surfing is a pain. I actually feel extremely restricted. The blog writing is suffering and trying to follow other blogs is also a challenge. My phone screen is not exactly huge. Not to mention that sometimes I want to check something and I more or less have to wait until I am in work and happen to have 2 minutes to check it up. Yeah I know… first world problem.

Next step… move the last things this upcoming weekend. Buy a TV – for those days when I just want to watch a film. Most importantly… have some friends over for a few beverages (hrrmm). Woohoo! Hehe!

Curveballs

Posted: February 17, 2011 in Driving, Life
Tags: , , , , , ,

This is turning out to be quite an expensive week so far. First the charges that I made on my VISA card while on my holiday are starting to show up on my statement. How did it add up so fast?

Then we discovered that we need to re-tile the en-suite shower as we have a persistent issue with water damage. This is where i could go off in a rant about incompetent builders that installed it in the first place but I do not have the energy for that right now.

To make things even better my beloved car started to overheat on my way home from work the other day which really causes me problems as without my car it is a nightmare to get to work and I refuse to take public transport for 2 hours when it takes me 30 min to drive. So into the garage she goes. Of course it is not a simple issue… they are still trying to find the cause of the problem… please, please let it not be the head gasket! If it is it will cost me over 600 euro…. (bye-bye Malaga weekend trip with the girls, which already started to look unlikely).

The most important thing that I need to remember here is that I still need to be able to laugh about things. The best comment I got in regards to my car was from one of the girls in work. I pointed out that my car was sick and had a fever… her response was “… just pour a bottle of Butterworth into the tank and wrap up and let it have a good sweat…”

Loved that!

I might be getting very close to be very broke but with a few good laughs it will be grand. Life might through a few curveballs at me but you know what… hahaha!

I feel shattered… just have some minuscule energy left today…just enough to moan a bit in the blog and then drag myself to bed. This has been an extremely busy week in work, 11 hour days… which I normally can deal with but not this week. Didn’t realize having a chest infection would take that much out of me. Que….pouting “feeling sorry for myself” look.

Of course I haven’t been to the doctor…not me… only go when I am dying or in need of a doctor’s note. Stubborn..yes, that’s me. Found some antibiotics in the medicine cupboard, hmmm… believe I got them about a year and a half ago when I had the flu… but alas, they are out of date..took one anyway… not such a great decision. Ended up having stomach pains. Effing eejiit sounds like a good way to describe what I told myself. The pharmacist basically confirmed that could happen. Sigh.

One more day to go and then it is the weekend. Thank heaven for that. I intend to sleep and then sleep some more and then maybe buy some nice food and have a really nice meal. Am sick of quick sandwiches or salads in front of PC in work. Next week should be much better.

Oh god…definitely time to go to bed…they are actually playing a Xmas song on the radio right now…if that doesn’t get you to run for cover then I do not know what. Need to stop moaning now. Happy upcoming weekend thoughts!

Red 2

Image via Wikipedia

What a lovely day it has been today! The sun was shining all day, the air was so fresh and clean and I was warm and comfortable wearing a scarf and light gloves. Am now having a cup of tea as the sun is setting over clear skies and enjoying this Sunday evening.

The large tree outside my living room window has almost shed all its leaves while others are still sporting magnificent colours. As I look out I am taking snap shots with my mind and I almost wish I could freeze time to capture these beautiful moments but then I realize that it is the change itself that makes it beautiful. Without the changes, with all being the same, the beauty becomes dull and lifeless. Much as our lives, without change and reinvention the splendour is gone. If we stall we lose ourselves and that is the most tragic thing in the world. We need to let our leaves fall, knowing that they will re-emerge all the more vibrant again.

So as leaves are falling, I am cherishing these moments as they come and go.

So… when I started thinking about blogging, one of the first thing that I thought about was that I would start blogging under a different name. Mainly because I was feeling really hesitant about writing all this stuff that spills out of my head and what people who know me would think and if I’m honest…I was also a scaredy cat about it. This was not exactly something that I had ever done before. There is a certain freedom to blog under a different name. People who read it have no preconceived opinions about you and you can say things that you previously have felt shy about or thinking that others might laugh about. At least this is how I felt.

Lately I have started to re-evaluate my thinking regarding this subject. In the end of the day, if someone thinks that what I write about is stupid, laughable (in the bad sense of the word) or just plain boring..well, then they are entitled to their opinion and they don’t have to read what I write. Life is too short to worry about what everyone else thinks and as much as I would like it to be different, there will always be people who do not like what I have to say, who think what I say is stupid or just don’t like me as a person. I obviously hope that what I write is not totally horrid and that there are people out there that enjoy my silly rants about this and that but I blog for my sake as much as anything else. It somehow feels right to write down my thoughts even if it doesn’t always makes sense.

So, I guess I will just have to update my “About me” page now. I will still call this blog “Ivy Blaise’s Blog”, let’s just say that this will be my “alter ego” and considering that I have one of the most complicated names ever that no-one ever can spell or pronounce half the time ( will cover that rant in a separate blog entry I think), I think I will stick to “Ivy Blaise”. I have always liked the first name “Ivy” somehow and I took the name “Blaise” from an old tale about Merlin where Blaise was Merlin’s master and the one who wrote down Merlin’s deeds. I also have to confess that I am very fond of the comic “Modesty Blaise” since an early age. Ah well, I have never claimed to make sense.

So now to step two…update profile and see what happens after that. Am still a bit of a scaredy cat though… 🙂

This lifespan of ours is too short. I mean, what is the average life expectancy today, maybe 80 years? It really isn’t that long. A lot can happen during those years but if you think about it, it is really an even shorter time span where we actually get to be out there doing our own stuff. As small children our experiences are pretty limited to whatever our families do and in old age then we are limited (but hopefully not stopped) by old age and all that entails. So that leaves us with a limited amount of time to do the things in life that we love.

There is so much out there, more to see, to do, to experience, to feel, to anticipate, to know. This does not mean that I want to climb every mountain, jump every cliff, swim in every ocean but I would like to experience all that is changing in the world. Not just on a personal level. Things that we humans in a normal lifespan cannot notice much of as our time on this earth is to short, just a blink in eternity.

I was always fascinated by history and science in school and for me it is when I look at all the things that have happened that I realize that there will be so much more that will happen that I most likely will not experience or at least see the end of. That is really frustrating for me.

I remember those animation in school, in geography, when they showed how the earth changed over millennia , like how Pangaea drifted apart and how the world slowly was colonized. This fascinated me and I always wanted to see more. What will happened next, will we go into space properly, travel the stars, what will develop on earth next? What will be the next superpower, who will be the next Picasso, will we evolve as a species and so forth.

Maybe this is just greedy and some would argue that we are allocated a certain amount of time on this earth and just to make the best of it. Well, I most certainly will try to do that but it will never make me stop wanting to know more and wishing I could see into the future, to see what will happen. As a species, humans are curious and this is a strong trait in me. I can just hope that someone will invent that time machine one day and let me have a go at it. In the mean time I will just have to make sure to use my time on this earth as best I can and to do the things I love. And stop reading the BBC Focus magazine too much.