Walking on my own

Those of you who read this blog know that I have been single for a while now. Single for the first time in many years. It still is “early days” considering the length of time that I was in a relationship but somehow the counting of weeks, months no longer matters to me.

It is funny how differently people cope and act when they become single. Everyone has a different coping mechanism. For some it triggers a great many changes, for some nothing much seems to change – outwardly anyway.

For me the hardest challenge was just being on my own. Do not get me wrong, I do like alone time. I need and crave it at times – always have. But it is different when you find yourself alone when you come home every day. It takes some getting use to. It threw me a bit for sure. Because even with everyone telling me that I need to appreciate my own company and be happy with myself etc it does not mean that it automatically happens. It is bloody hard work. Harder than I thought it would be.

Instead of cherishing the time I had to myself I felt anxious. I felt lost and lonely. Many times I felt anger. Anger at myself for not coping on, anger that I could not feel content in my own skin and anger at life in general. Patience is not my strong suit.

Friends pointed out the importance of being happy on my own. I discussed it with people around me. I spent hours reading and researching the topic. It was a topic I dwelled on a lot. At some stage I got sick of it.

I decided that I will do whatever I enjoy and just see what happens. I know that I love spending times with friends. Having a laugh. Seeing new places again. Getting re-acquainted with myself. Not fretting so much. Realizing that change does not happen over night. That there will always be good days and bad moments. That life happens no matter what and only I can decide how to react to it. No-one can do that for me. Yes – others can help, inspire, guide and just be there but I alone decide what affects me and in what way.

Today I went for a walk in the local park on my own and suddenly it struck me. I was enjoying myself. I did not feel that I HAD to have someone with me. I would not have minded company, as I do enjoy it, but I was just as happy walking on my own. I felt good. My own company was – IS – perfectly fine.

The journey is ongoing and I am taking it easy. I guess things just fall into place a little at a time. So what is the point I am trying to make with this post? Perhaps by sharing my own personal experience I can let someone else know that it does get easier. When all those people around you say that you need to find comfort and happiness within yourself and you are struggling – give it time and do not worry too much. You will get there, if you give it a chance.

Sunburned, tired and feeling good.

Just got back from Enniskerry after having walked the first part of the Wicklow Way with a friend … even though we also somehow deviated from the Wicklow Way and ended up on the Dublin Way at the end. Still no idea how that happened but let me put it this way… the sign-posting for the paths is not exactly great. It did cause us to pass the Johnnie Fox’s Pub – which some might say was a sign. That beer was divine after 5 hours of walking.

Either way it was a lovely day. The sun was shining the entire day (hence the sunburn), the company great fun and the views were fabulous. It was a great hike. As I have not done anything like this in a long time and because my boots still are pretty new… I am paying for it today. Sore legs and very blistered feet. But still… I’d do it again.

As usual I did not take as many pictures as I intended to but here are a few.

There was a Fairy Tree in Marley Park… enter.

Dublin in a sunny haze.

Boulders and peaks.

Up we went.

On the path.

Rolling hills wherever you looked.

Down through the forest. I love forest walks.

A great pit-stop.

Sore feet… I will spare you the view of my blisters. It was worth it though.

 

 

Still blogging a year later…

Image via Wikipedia

I sit here looking at my draft posts – post filled with pain, with longing, with sadness, with love, with thoughts immensely private. Pieces of writing that I’ll never publish. Some are old, some are new. I read them and I’m rocked back. They scare me with their intensity. Where did they come from?

I started writing this blog a little over a year ago now. The whole blogging… oh whom am I kidding… the whole writing thing made me VERY nervous. I’ve never felt that I’m a good writer. God knows my essays in school sucked! So writing in such a public fashion was very daunting. It has been an interesting journey.

With no formal writing experience and with no idea on what to actually write, I just started to write. For better or worse. There has been plenty of times when I cringed over what I wrote. Other times I have not been able to stop writing. Then there has been times when the dry-spells have been very real and no matter what I tried, nothing would come forth.

Looking back, there are some posts that I find horrid and then some that I am proud off. Then there are those pieces… This whole blogging business seems to have awoken something in me that I never knew existed. Strings of words that speak of my innermost feelings. Feelings that I cannot vocalize but that only come out in writing. Maybe one day I will be brave enough to post them.

I just write whatever pops up in my head. I do edit some but mainly, what I write is what I think about in that moment.  Which explains the amount of depressing posts about my messy life lately. Sorry about that… bear with me, I promise I will get back to somewhat funny or thought-worthy posts again as soon as I can.

I am still amazed that people read my shit AND that some even like it enough to continue reading or even comment on it. I have met some amazing people via this blog in the last year and THAT is almost the best thing about it. My life would be a poorer life without you.

So here’s to another year of writing (and feverent praying that my muse will stop watching soppy movies and actually come up with some good ideas to dazzle us all with…).

Most of all, here’s to all of you who read my thoughts. Thank you.

Cabin contemplations

Humans often act like pack animals. We thrive in company. Follow or lead others depending on our character. We seek affirmation in groups and feel safer in numbers. A mob can be vicious and commit terrible atrocities. A group can pull together and create wonders. The field of sociology has long studied the dynamics of groups and how we interact both within a group and en masse.

But as we first and foremost are humans and not mindless beasts (though this can be debated sometimes) we also have a choice if and when we want to be part of a group. We choose to be part of others, sometimes deciding to be alone and embrace solitude. Yes, there are situations when we are born or integrated into a group as children but as we grow up we, ourselves, decide what people to be with. It can be hard and a struggle to disengage from a group you belong to, just as it can be equally hard trying to fit into a new group.

As kids and teenagers we naturally meet new people and form groups through school and clubs. We try out new ways and discard others. Our minds are open to new ideas and new people. Then as we pass university and enter the world of everyday life and (hopefully) employment, a shift seems to happen. Our groups seem more rigid, set in their ways and harder to change. New people are not welcomed as easily and the boundaries of the group are guarded almost jealously. It is harder to make new close friends as an adult.

Moving country, city or even just moving from one company to another can be taxing. Yes, you will meet people and make acquaintances and even casual buddy’s but close friends? Have we become too guarded to let others in even as we try to reach out ourselves? What is the great fear? Have we become too comfortable in our existing sphere to let others in that could shake up our world?

Now what has brought this on, you might wonder. Well, I was reflecting today, as I went for a walk in the beautiful winter weather, that I have spent many times in my life trying to find new friends and new groups to belong to. When I was younger we moved a few times and then as an adult I have moved a good few times as well for various reasons. Each time it has been harder to find those friends and at times almost disheartening. I have a few good close friends that are very dear to me but for different reasons we all live quite apart and sometimes it just gets to me.

And now I will stop thinking too much…as I believe I might also suffer from cabin fever at this stage. Sigh.

Maintaining a balance between change and stability

Image by orionlee via Flickr

It is Saturday morning and I am about to have some breakfast. Am sitting here waiting for my partner to finally exit the shower…why is it that men seem to take a lot longer in the bathroom than women? Sigh.

In the meantime I am trying to sort through the million thoughts that are falling through my mind. I always have much going on in my head but not always the time to actually mull on them and mentally sift thoughts through my fingers.

In the last two years much has happened that has triggered a whole new lot of conscious thoughts. Or maybe they always have been there but I’ve never let them surface. Some days I wake up and feel exactly like the same person as I was 10 years ago. Other days I wake up and feel like a totally different person from whom I was just a few years ago. There are times when I embrace changes in my life with open arms and look upon the path ahead with a big smile.When I cannot wait to go out to discover what new exciting experiences these changes entail.

Then there are moments when life seems to come to a standstill as I try to understand and come to terms with a new realization about myself. Certain realizations do scare the hell out of me and the temptation to just push them away is very strong. Maybe one day I will have the courage to dissect them in this blog and even fully embrace them as a part of whom I am but for the time being they will stay on the sideline, being apprehensively evaluated. Maintaining a balance in life can be challenging at times. When you feel that you do not know whether you are coming or going or just want to run away as fast as you can.

As humans we always evolve, in the longer perspective hopefully as a species and on a shorter term as individuals. I am just hoping that I will find a balance so that I can merge the old, comfortable parts that are the essence of me with the newly found/discovered traits that will hopefully complement me. Note that I say complement and not complete me, as I have a funny feeling that we will always evolve and the day when we hopefully feel complete is the day we pass away… only to enter a whole new realm of possibilities, or whatever you chose to believe in.

Well, now it is time for breakfast. Then on to some minor changes on the schedule… time to visit the hairdresser and then doing some research on tattoo artists for that tattoo I have thought about for some time.

Have a good weekend!

Holidays

I always get very excited when it is time for holidays. I love the whole build up of it, when you have decided where to go, counting the days and checking out all from the weather report to what to bring with you. There is a certain buzz to going away. I even like airports… I don’t really care if it is full of people and the queues are long as long as I am on my way. I like getting there early so that I can browse the shops, have a latte, do some people watching and sit down and read a book if I want to before boarding the plane.

So here I am sitting now: bag packed, weather report checked, new clothes sorted, sunscreen remembered, nails painted, take away had… and now just a good film to chill out in-front off before heading to bed knowing that tomorrow I will be on my way. A whole week ahead of me. Bliss!

See you in a week!

Blogging anonymously or not…

So… when I started thinking about blogging, one of the first thing that I thought about was that I would start blogging under a different name. Mainly because I was feeling really hesitant about writing all this stuff that spills out of my head and what people who know me would think and if I’m honest…I was also a scaredy cat about it. This was not exactly something that I had ever done before. There is a certain freedom to blog under a different name. People who read it have no preconceived opinions about you and you can say things that you previously have felt shy about or thinking that others might laugh about. At least this is how I felt.

Lately I have started to re-evaluate my thinking regarding this subject. In the end of the day, if someone thinks that what I write about is stupid, laughable (in the bad sense of the word) or just plain boring..well, then they are entitled to their opinion and they don’t have to read what I write. Life is too short to worry about what everyone else thinks and as much as I would like it to be different, there will always be people who do not like what I have to say, who think what I say is stupid or just don’t like me as a person. I obviously hope that what I write is not totally horrid and that there are people out there that enjoy my silly rants about this and that but I blog for my sake as much as anything else. It somehow feels right to write down my thoughts even if it doesn’t always makes sense.

So, I guess I will just have to update my “About me” page now. I will still call this blog “Ivy Blaise’s Blog”, let’s just say that this will be my “alter ego” and considering that I have one of the most complicated names ever that no-one ever can spell or pronounce half the time ( will cover that rant in a separate blog entry I think), I think I will stick to “Ivy Blaise”. I have always liked the first name “Ivy” somehow and I took the name “Blaise” from an old tale about Merlin where Blaise was Merlin’s master and the one who wrote down Merlin’s deeds. I also have to confess that I am very fond of the comic “Modesty Blaise” since an early age. Ah well, I have never claimed to make sense.

So now to step two…update profile and see what happens after that. Am still a bit of a scaredy cat though… 🙂

Lifespan

This lifespan of ours is too short. I mean, what is the average life expectancy today, maybe 80 years? It really isn’t that long. A lot can happen during those years but if you think about it, it is really an even shorter time span where we actually get to be out there doing our own stuff. As small children our experiences are pretty limited to whatever our families do and in old age then we are limited (but hopefully not stopped) by old age and all that entails. So that leaves us with a limited amount of time to do the things in life that we love.

There is so much out there, more to see, to do, to experience, to feel, to anticipate, to know. This does not mean that I want to climb every mountain, jump every cliff, swim in every ocean but I would like to experience all that is changing in the world. Not just on a personal level. Things that we humans in a normal lifespan cannot notice much of as our time on this earth is to short, just a blink in eternity.

I was always fascinated by history and science in school and for me it is when I look at all the things that have happened that I realize that there will be so much more that will happen that I most likely will not experience or at least see the end of. That is really frustrating for me.

I remember those animation in school, in geography, when they showed how the earth changed over millennia , like how Pangaea drifted apart and how the world slowly was colonized. This fascinated me and I always wanted to see more. What will happened next, will we go into space properly, travel the stars, what will develop on earth next? What will be the next superpower, who will be the next Picasso, will we evolve as a species and so forth.

Maybe this is just greedy and some would argue that we are allocated a certain amount of time on this earth and just to make the best of it. Well, I most certainly will try to do that but it will never make me stop wanting to know more and wishing I could see into the future, to see what will happen. As a species, humans are curious and this is a strong trait in me. I can just hope that someone will invent that time machine one day and let me have a go at it. In the mean time I will just have to make sure to use my time on this earth as best I can and to do the things I love. And stop reading the BBC Focus magazine too much.

Collecting life experience points

I was sitting in my car the other day and I started thinking about what if I could go back ten years in time but keep the same experiences that I have today. How would that have changed my choices in life? A lot of things can happen in ten years and you do not always realize how much you change during these years as a person. It is not like you wake up one day and go “ding ding… I am now a different, more mature person with all the answers”. Right… like that would ever happen.

Somethings have not changed – I still find the same things as hilarious as before, I still am very good at putting my foot in my mouth and I still laugh when I get embarrassed and so forth. The changes have been more subtle – feeling a bit more confident with myself. I am more accepting of whom I am and the choices I make. Becoming more open, both to external change and to personal feelings. Going for what I want but at the same time becoming more aware of the consequences of my actions. Realizing that I should not be afraid to ask for what I want but that at the same time giving is equally important. A balance that I hope I will become better at in the near future. Continuation to develop as a person.

So I was playing with the idea in my head that I would be in my early twenties again but knowing what I know today.

Would I move to a different country again…yes.
Would I stay in the same jobs for the same time… no.
Would I pay more attention to people around me… definitely.
Would I say “no, thanks” more often… yes.
Would I say “yes, let’s go” more often… yes.
Would I start with martial arts earlier… oh yes.
Would there be many changes… some.
Would I be a much different person… probably not.

So has much changed so far? Not really. At the end of the day it has only been ten years. The fascinating bit is what will I be able to say in twenty more years? I’ll just have to wait and see. Will I ever wake up and go “ding ding… I am now a different, more mature person with all the answers” … most definitely not! I might change some more, maybe have a bit more cop-on…. but mature….naaahhhh…don’t think so. Will just keep collecting life experience points and enjoy each new experience; discard the bad ones and treasure the good ones.