Do you believe in monogamy?

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While I was away on my holiday I still tried to be online every once in a while, cos let’s face it… I am way to curious about what is happening everywhere. It was during this time that a blog post from the lovely Nikki B, on monogamy, caught my attention. Read it, share it, discuss…

I shared the post with my sister and others and it seemed everyone had an opinion on this subject. This prompted me to do a post about this, trying to consolidate the points raised.

Traditionally monogamy has long been the “correct” way to live your life – the whole “for ever and ever ’til death do us part”. I look at my parents who have been married for over 50 years – was it meant to be that way?

Going back generations, life was very much different. Life was harder, more physical demanding and taxing healthwise. People created a family and died much earlier than today. The sanctity of marriage and a monogamous family life ensured that the next generation had a stable, safe ground to grow up in. Time to rear children was limited and many did not live many years after this was done. Yes, I am generalizing now but I hope you get my drift.

This idea that we are meant to be with one person our whole life no longer seems viable. Today’s generations are very much different. The health care of today (First World countries) ensures longer lives well past our biological child rearing years. During my discussion the most common opinion I encountered is that we today are a society mainly made up of serial monogamy. (No big surprise there.) That life today has several stages.

Starting out young. Falling in love and promising never-ending love for all time. Maybe in the late teens or early twenties. The following years people change a lot. The influences are too many to count and as individuals all develop and sometimes the person they are with develops in a different direction. The first cracks in the foundation of the relationships appear and for many it is the beginning of the end.

More mature (hopefully) and perhaps looking for someone to start a family with the next stage takes shape. Children are born and raised. Life is all about schools, activities, parenting. Life becomes a project to keep afloat. Then when the children have flown the coop – then what? Can the relationship survive this transition? For some it does and for some… it doesn’t. Once again people have changed and developed.

Entering maturity and with many years still ahead people try to find someone to be with that matches their desires, hopes for the future and love.

These stages are just an example raised. In my opinion these and more stages exist for almost all of us, in infinite variety. With kids or not, with same-sex partners or not. Etc.

Enter the next discussion – would you be in an open relationship? Personally… I am not sure. I have no problem with anyone else wanting to do so but me… I am not sure I’d like to share. Might sound a bit silly but there it is. It is not that I am a jealous person. I have actually never been jealous of any of my previous partners. I believe jealousy rears its ugly head due to insecurities and doubt and I can honestly say I trusted the guys I was with at the time. BUT knowingly sharing my partner with someone else… hmmm it is an interesting concept and I will never say never. Most of the people I spoke to about this were very hesitant to the idea. Not condemning it (which is great) but it was not something they were interesting in trying themselves. Maybe I will delve deeper into this subject in a future post.

The most important thing to remember is that we must keep an open mind. Serial monogamy, one person for life, open relationships or whatever variety is out there is a personal choice. Not everyone wants an open relationship or to be with one person in a committed relationship all their life. We must choose what feels best for ourselves and what makes us happy. At the same time we must understand that others around us might want something different and that it is nothing wrong with that. Being open, understanding and keeping a discussion alive to see the different point of views that are out there. Not too much to ask for really is it?

 

Too tired for sex?

Ok I normally never really discuss my sex life in any shape or form publicly. Some would call it weird as I have no problems being part of others sex discussions or about the topic in generally… but when it comes to me…well then I normally do not say much. Not sure why, just the way it is I guess. I have never had the urge to share and no, I am not about to launch into any revealing details now either (so you can breathe out now Anders, if you happen to read this post).

So what brought this topic up. Well, as you probably have gathered I have not been well in the last while. I have never ever been feeling so exhausted for this long before. I should count myself very, very lucky for this and I do. However lately all I want is to crawl up in my bed and sleep. That is how it has been for some time now. This obviously means that my sex life also is non-existent. My libido has gone to sleep.

The funny thing is that a part of me still craves sex but it is very subdued and there is just no energy to do anything about it. After being in a stable relationship for almost 11 years (oh my god…has it been that long already!!?) we decided that maybe it would be fun to spice up our sex life a bit. Why not have a look at some fun toys etc? Unfortunately this was just around the same time that I started to feel a bit under the weather, thinking it was probably just due to too much work.  Now I am the stage where it doesn’t matter what I look at where before I might have been interested now I am just… meh.

I know that once I feel more like myself again things will (hopefully) be better. Tiredness seems to be the biggest inhibitor for me. Now it is because I am not well but other times it is because I am exhausted when coming home from work. It is boring as hell but true.

Some say that sex is not what should matter in a relationship etc or in general but I tend to disagree to a point. Sex is important, good sex even more. It should not be the overriding factor in a relationship but I know I could not be in a relationship without it.

Lately I find myself in more and more often in a situation where I am the one that is too knackered for any fun in the sack. Tiredness sucks. So I am throwing out the questions to you all, whom I hope all have a very active and great sex life, what the hell is a girl to do??

Invincible

What is love to you? If you would walk out on the street and ask people what love is for them, you will probably end up with many different answers. Love can be interpreted in many ways.

It can be the deep and protective love a parent has for a child.
It can be the affectionate love for a beloved pet.
It can be the profound love for a family.
It can be the genuine love for close friends.
It can be the all-consuming hormonal passion of the first teenage crush.
It can be the earnest love of a steadfast partner.
It can be the bottomless, beautiful and heart clenching love between soul-mates.
… all of this and much more.

There are so many ways love can be manifested and felt. I do not believe there are any rights or wrongs when it comes to love. It shouldn’t matter whom you love. It shouldn’t matter if you love someone from the opposite or same sex. Or if you love someone from a different ethnic race. It shouldn’t matter if there is a age difference or physical limitations. I once read a passage in a book that caught my eye and it went something like this: There’s a lot of hurt in the world, there’s a lot of pain. Love is not wrong. Sometimes it doesn’t come in the form you’d expected, but love is never wrong.”

Can love last forever? Why not? I also believe that love between two persons that lasts a lifetime is increasingly rare. Some would argue that this is due to the dilution of morals in the modern world, how today’s society embraces change and almost encourages separation. This can very well be a contributing factor. I however think that it is very difficult to compare a lifelong relationship today to those in past times. For one – our life expectancy is much longer today. A lifelong commitment in ages past maybe lasted 25-35 years if people where lucky. Now we live longer lives. Another thing to consider is that many did not have a choice in staying in an unhappy relationships for religious, social or cultural reasons. Once you were in that was it. Leaving was not an option.

I do not think that people love any less today than in the past. A partnership is still something that requires an effort from both parties to work. It will always need comprises. If it doesn’t work out it is never simple but we do have the option to search anew. I do believe we can love more than one partner in a lifetime. Almost all of us go into a relationship believing that it will last forever and that is the way it should be, in my opinion. Hopefully all of us can say at the end of out lives, that we had the fortune to love with all our heart.

Do I believe love can last forever? I do believe it is possible. There are people that would say that love is painful and causes much grief. This is true. However love can also be all-encompassing, fierce and beautiful and it is one of the many things that defines us as humans. It inspires beauty and creates works of art.

Am I a romantic – yes.
Am I naive to believe there is someone out there for each and everyone – no, I am just hopeful.
Do I love – yes, my partner, my family and my friends.

What am I trying to say with this post, apart from being all mushy… just love with all your heart and never be afraid to search. You may stumble, despair and falter on the way and you might not be successful the first, second or even the third time but it is out there. With love you are invincible, without it you will fall.

I am not great at describing what love is for me but there are a few lines from a song that in many ways sums in up for me:

“… Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?…

… have you ever wished for an endless night?

Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight.

Have you ever held your breathe and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?”

“Glitter in the Air” by Pink.